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If You Meet Buddha On the Road, Kill Him.

I suffer from Road Rage but I've never had the horn to properly express it.

My first car was a 1969 Volkswagen Beetle. The chirpy "meep-meep" sound of such a horn was not an effective way to communicate rage toward other drivers. A honk that should have been interpreted as "Get the Hell Out of My Way Asshole" was often mistaken for "Cheerio old lad, pleasant day, shant we say?"

My second car was also a VW Bug. This horn worked just fine for a while, then something caused the horn to take on the sound of a dying cow, a sound which is also less than desirable when trying to communicate rage toward other drivers.

My third car was a 1982 Ford Escort. The horn was not in the middle of the steering wheel where God rightfully intended it to be, but rather it was built into the turn signal lever sticking out from the left side of the steering column. If I wanted to honk my horn, I had to press the lever in with my left hand, a most unnatural act for any angry homo ((((wait for it)))) sapian such as myself. This left-handed-pressing-in-a-lever maneuver is scarcely conducive to the proper expression of road rage.

When I moved to Albuquerque my Escort died a sudden death. Some friends and I stood in the driveway in a semi-circle around my dead car with the hood up, drinking Coronas with lime and trying to discern the cause of its death. "Looks like it blew a head gasket", a most unreliable hippie couch surfer surmised. I saw the grim reaper in my peripheral vision nod in agreement. I lost all hope and put a "For Sale Sign" in the window.

This lead to a case of yard rage.

A Mexican kid down the street bought my Escort with the queer horn for seventy-five bucks. I watched him push it off into the sunset. The next morning I stood dumbfounded on my front lawn as he drove it down the street, honking and waving as he passed by. It was as if God himself was flipping me the bird.

I was forced to get by on a bike alone. My yard rage subsided but my road rage did not.

In New Mexico, my road rage was mostly geared toward loose dogs who chased me mercilessly and nipped at my ankles while I panic-pedalled as fast as I could to get away. It was a daily ritual. Oh, and it never rains in the desert, right? Wrong. It poured like a Mother the day I had a job interview.

When I moved to Chico my car-less days spread into the next four years. The road rage raged on and despite all my rage I was still just....an underpaid white chick trying to get by. (What did you think I was gonna say?)

After four years of bike hell, God had mercy on me and I acquired an automobile [insert angelic hymn] with a non-working horn [insert flat tuba sound].

I'm marked. I'm destined to never experience the satisfaction of blaring my horn at the numerous bitches, hoes and jackasses who piss me off.

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Comments

( 30 comments — Leave a comment )
angry_man
Mar. 26th, 2006 02:19 am (UTC)
I don't think I've ever used the horn on my current car. I'm just not a road rage person.
createdestiny
Mar. 26th, 2006 02:22 am (UTC)
Wow. You must be a saint or something. St. Angry Man.
(no subject) - angry_man - Mar. 26th, 2006 04:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
toodamnloud
Mar. 26th, 2006 02:29 am (UTC)
When you were in NM, did you always live in ABQ? I grew up in Roswell.
createdestiny
Mar. 26th, 2006 02:31 am (UTC)
I just lived in ABQ for less than a year. I moved there from the Midwest. Culture shock ensued. It was great. I love New Mexico.
(no subject) - toodamnloud - Mar. 26th, 2006 02:37 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - createdestiny - Mar. 26th, 2006 02:42 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - toodamnloud - Mar. 26th, 2006 03:05 am (UTC) - Expand
ygolonac
Mar. 26th, 2006 03:10 am (UTC)
You don't need a horn, you got two middle fingers and a set of lungs.

Or you can borrow my car, it has a horn.

Or we could install a horn kit in your car.

http://tinyurl.com/ozcsz
metalgypsy
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:08 am (UTC)
when do you want to watch that Brother Born Again movie?!! how about some table mountain action?!
createdestiny
Mar. 26th, 2006 04:42 am (UTC)
I'm out with a cold right now. Maybe next weekend?
(no subject) - ygolonac - Mar. 26th, 2006 05:13 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - metalgypsy - Mar. 27th, 2006 03:40 am (UTC) - Expand
acommonreader
Mar. 26th, 2006 08:48 am (UTC)
Hilarious. My brother use-ta piss me off by reaching over me (while I was driving) to honk the horn as those he felt should have angered my horn-honking hand. Ugh. I am an underappreciator, clearly.
createdestiny
Mar. 26th, 2006 05:09 pm (UTC)
In a case like this, I'd get an canned air horn and blow towards the offending passenger.
(no subject) - dietcokehed - Mar. 26th, 2006 05:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
dietcokehed
Mar. 26th, 2006 05:44 pm (UTC)
I have shared this kind of frustration. My first car was a '68 Mustang and the horn, or what would have been a horn, was a ring thingy at the bottom of the steering wheel. Ok, let me try to describe it...it was a half circle bar that attached to the middle section of the steering wheel and was slightly smaller so if fit right on the inside of the wheel. I'm not sure what the point of that was...maybe so you could honk with your thumbs without taking your hand off the wheel? Who knows. Well, that was broken off, and something my grandpa didn't have fixed when he refurbished the car. So my horn consisted of two sharp pieces of metal just under the middle section of the steering wheel. So when road rage was involved, not only was it difficult to FIND the damn things, but when I did, the moment was totally gone. The horn was a good road rage horn, had it been more accessible, because it was nice and forceful. That was a problem though when I wanted a "cheerio" type honk. I was passing a guy I worked with and he was in a jacked up Toyota truck, somewhat tough looking, and he honks "meep meep!" and my reply was "WONK WONK!!" It was pretty funny how it deflated is ego a bit :)
createdestiny
Mar. 26th, 2006 07:50 pm (UTC)
Your '68 Mustang seems a lot like how the horn is in a VW--a strange bracket that I think was supposed to be for the thumbs.
dietcokehed
Mar. 26th, 2006 05:47 pm (UTC)
I forgot to mention this was an awesome short story type story. I think you should collect short stories you've written and get them published. You write very well my friend.
Cuz U Rawk!! :)
soopageek
Mar. 26th, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC)
his was an awesome entry. You should get yourself one of these.
createdestiny
Mar. 26th, 2006 07:51 pm (UTC)
Being a trucker, I'm sure you've got some great road rage stories.
welfy
Mar. 26th, 2006 06:22 pm (UTC)
Aw, wow. I think I would die if I had to ride a bike for 4 years. Then again, I live out in the middle of nowhere and it would take me hours to get anywhere.

I've never used my car horn before. Though one time I accidentally sounded off a car horn with my butt when I accidentally sat on the steering wheel (the situation involved drugs and a boyfriend in college, don't ask, haha).
createdestiny
Mar. 26th, 2006 07:53 pm (UTC)
Hilarious!

If you're going to be limited to a bike for four years, Chico is the place to do it, so I had that going for me.

lcurtis
Mar. 27th, 2006 03:50 pm (UTC)
Road rage is no longer all the rage. This is, after all, the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius, sympathy and trust is abounding, horns are no longer sounding. Oh Mustang where is thy bray, oh Hornet, thy sting, oh Comet, thy tail? I have met the Buddha on the road and we had a cup of Chi and a chat.
createdestiny
Mar. 28th, 2006 03:20 am (UTC)
You met Buddha on the road, had tea and a chat? I thought you were the one who told me to kill Buddha if I ever met him on the road? I never knew what that meant. You always seemed like a peaceful fellow.
(no subject) - ygolonac - Mar. 28th, 2006 03:48 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - createdestiny - Mar. 28th, 2006 02:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
andeepants
Mar. 28th, 2006 01:30 am (UTC)
I think horns are useless...well, mine is useless because it doesn't work. My alternative to the horn is a cup holder filled with pennies and a knack for accuracy. It sounds horrible when one hits your window and sometimes it chips the glass. I'll throw a penny at anyone, anytime...don't test me.
createdestiny
Mar. 28th, 2006 03:22 am (UTC)
You're alive! Cool.

thejuicyone
Mar. 28th, 2006 05:21 am (UTC)
hahaha i can't believe you ever wondered why i wanted you on my friends list! you're fabulous!

i need to get my license.
( 30 comments — Leave a comment )