createdestiny (createdestiny) wrote,
createdestiny
createdestiny

Living in the empty cup of now.

I've scarecly lived in the now, in the present moment. Maybe I did when I was a kid, but certainly not since that awful train wreck of puberty de-railed my childhood innocence. Since then my thoughts are continually thrashing about in an anxiety-ridden mosh pit. If I'm not bitterly regreting the past, I'm agonizing about the future.

I take that back.

I did live in the present once, if only for a few minutes, eight years ago.

I was riding a bus home from work. All the noise in my head stopped. It was quiet. In that moment I said yes to real Life and anything it wanted to lay on me: nuclear holocaust, cancer, blindness, the loss of several limbs, I said yes to it all in that grace-filled moment. I wasn't the least bit afraid.

I got off that bus on tippy-toes of utter trust and tried my damnest to nurse that uncreated energy, make it last forever, don't spill the grace.

But I spilled it. And what I didn't spill slowly drained out through my leaky, piss-ass wine-skins. So many times life filled me up and I spilled it and spilled it and spilled it, until I finally lost my sippy cup.

I was forgiven once. Tears of gratitude streamed down my face and I felt like a small child.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 10 comments