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Living in the empty cup of now.

I've scarecly lived in the now, in the present moment. Maybe I did when I was a kid, but certainly not since that awful train wreck of puberty de-railed my childhood innocence. Since then my thoughts are continually thrashing about in an anxiety-ridden mosh pit. If I'm not bitterly regreting the past, I'm agonizing about the future.

I take that back.

I did live in the present once, if only for a few minutes, eight years ago.

I was riding a bus home from work. All the noise in my head stopped. It was quiet. In that moment I said yes to real Life and anything it wanted to lay on me: nuclear holocaust, cancer, blindness, the loss of several limbs, I said yes to it all in that grace-filled moment. I wasn't the least bit afraid.

I got off that bus on tippy-toes of utter trust and tried my damnest to nurse that uncreated energy, make it last forever, don't spill the grace.

But I spilled it. And what I didn't spill slowly drained out through my leaky, piss-ass wine-skins. So many times life filled me up and I spilled it and spilled it and spilled it, until I finally lost my sippy cup.

I was forgiven once. Tears of gratitude streamed down my face and I felt like a small child.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 15th, 2005 03:01 am (UTC)
God, I know what you mean about not being able to live in the the now. I'm constantly worried about the future.

You haven't lost your sippy cup! I just find taking each day at a time, writing down what I'm grateful for, can help.
Sep. 15th, 2005 03:32 am (UTC)
i don't know what to say :\
Sep. 15th, 2005 05:02 am (UTC)
I will try to help you find your sippy cup.
Sep. 15th, 2005 05:21 am (UTC)
You are such a talented writer, I hope you are aware of that.
That is your sippy cup.

(at least you graduated to sippy cup from baba!)
Sep. 15th, 2005 02:41 pm (UTC)
I echo the talented writer comment, wow. As for living in the moment, damn the cup, you can use your hands!
Sep. 16th, 2005 02:33 am (UTC)
I think it is either impossible or mandatory to live in the present if you work in a QuickeMart on 3rd shift.

Try a Camelback and that way you can keep going. Be sure to put espresso in it.
Sep. 16th, 2005 12:41 pm (UTC)
What the?!? Quickie Mart? I don't get it?
Sep. 18th, 2005 11:04 am (UTC)
The Zen of forgiveness, the Tao of compassion.
Sep. 19th, 2005 02:43 pm (UTC)
Forgiveness is like inhaling and exhaling!
Dearest Bean,

We are forgiven every moment of every day when we sincerely ask for forgiveness. We need to remember that no one is perfect. Not even God. We are all in need of forgiveness for something, so, all we can do is try to keep love in our hearts. I know it isn't easy but life isn't easy or fair. It just is. You are such a talented, beautiful woman with such a wonderful sense of humor. I love you so very much and am so thankful to have you in my life. Be good to yourself and accept forgiveness. Kisses and hugs forever!
Sep. 19th, 2005 08:27 pm (UTC)
Re: Forgiveness is like inhaling and exhaling!
Thanks, mom. I love you!
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )