createdestiny (createdestiny) wrote,

Estrogen-Driven Camping Coming Up....

I'm soooooooooooooo excited because two of my bestest girlfriends and I are going to go camping for a few days in a mountain range that shall remain nameless so all you serial killers out there can just put away the duct-tape because you'll never find us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Black bears, though, are another story. They might find us. Especially if one of us is on our period because I heard that can attract bears.

As many of you know, I'm just not comfortable unless I'm obsessively freaked out and worried about something, so I'm really freaked out about bears right now. Bears and forest fires. Oh, and Republicans. But not serial killers, really. At least not today.

It doesn't help that I went to a camping supply store yesterday to buy a sleeping pad and when I asked the sales clerk if they had any bear repellent she said no but then proceeded to regale me with terrifying tales of bear attacks including one in which someone's car was completely ripped apart by a bear, simply for a single stick of Juicy-Fruit gum.

So I asked some co-workers what I should do and one of them said to fill four plastic cups with a small amount of kerosene and place the cups around the periphery of the campsite. This (allegedly) will cover up any smells that will attract bears. The problem is four-fold, really: 1) both of my friends are smokers and should not be near anything highly flammable; 2) there's going to be large amounts of alcohol involved; 3) one of my friends is extremely clutsy and accident-prone even when she's sober; and 4) the person who suggested the kerosene cups is a Republican who may or may not be trying to destroy some of his political opponents and a portion of America's remaining forests with one masterful blow!

So, I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure that with my luck, if I get attacked by a bear, I won't actually die but will be forced to live out my life horribly maimed and disfigured. Also, I wouldn't put it past God to deal me a hand that involves me (or one of my friends) accidentally starting a forest fire, the guilt of which would surely drive me to a nunnery!

I suppose none of this matters, as I am convinced that at some point in my life I will at least be attacked by wolves and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, so I might as well rub juicy fruit all over my body and run naked through the forest embracing my blasted destiny.
Tags: camping, humor
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