Why do I feel like a man in drag when I put on something frilly? I can't even wear a "woman's" watch. They're wimpy and little and they make me feel weird. Eeee-gad, get it away from me! Especially if it has that dangly, little chain thing attached to it. What the hell is up with that chain thing? That's just wrong. I can only wear a man's watch and it must be outdoorsy-looking. It must say, "I climb mountains and chop wood." I don't really. I mean I want to, I just don't have an ax or any wood and with these gas prices, I'm not driving to the mountains anytime soon.
Why do I love dirt and rocks so much? And sticks, too. I love me some good sticks. I used to collect 'em when I was a kid. Had to get rid of them, though. Boyfriend said it was a fire hazard. [Wow, I'm in a really weird mood. I'm just gonna go with it, 'kay?]
Why do I hate jewelry? (Except for men's watches) I mean it's fine for other people, but please, do not try to put that stuff on me. I'm liable to go camping and lose it. My boyfriend's mom gave me some god-awful clip-on earrings the other day. Clip-ons!!! They're clunky, too. What the hell am I supposed to do with these clunky, clip-ons? Now I've gotta hang on to these clip-ons for the entirety of this relationship! And that could be a long-ass time, since I told him I would marry him. I'm afraid to go back to his mom's house. Afraid she'll give me more clip-ons.
Why don't I fantasize about re-decorating my home like most girls (and gay men) do? I still use milk crates for furniture, for Christ's sake. What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I was supposed to be gay, but then at some crucial stage in my fetal development some of my fabulous curly gay genes were straightened out and now I'm like a tom-woman. I could give a rat's ass about my cuticles. I feel like a clown when I put on make-up. And don't even talk to me about your wedding or I'll rip my uterus out and make you wear it as a hat.