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Why do house plants make me nervous?

Why is there an ice-cream truck driving through my neighborhood playing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town?"

Why do I feel like a man in drag when I put on something frilly? I can't even wear a "woman's" watch. They're wimpy and little and they make me feel weird. Eeee-gad, get it away from me! Especially if it has that dangly, little chain thing attached to it. What the hell is up with that chain thing? That's just wrong. I can only wear a man's watch and it must be outdoorsy-looking. It must say, "I climb mountains and chop wood." I don't really. I mean I want to, I just don't have an ax or any wood and with these gas prices, I'm not driving to the mountains anytime soon.

Why do I love dirt and rocks so much? And sticks, too. I love me some good sticks. I used to collect 'em when I was a kid. Had to get rid of them, though. Boyfriend said it was a fire hazard. [Wow, I'm in a really weird mood. I'm just gonna go with it, 'kay?]

Why do I hate jewelry? (Except for men's watches) I mean it's fine for other people, but please, do not try to put that stuff on me. I'm liable to go camping and lose it. My boyfriend's mom gave me some god-awful clip-on earrings the other day. Clip-ons!!! They're clunky, too. What the hell am I supposed to do with these clunky, clip-ons? Now I've gotta hang on to these clip-ons for the entirety of this relationship! And that could be a long-ass time, since I told him I would marry him. I'm afraid to go back to his mom's house. Afraid she'll give me more clip-ons.

Why don't I fantasize about re-decorating my home like most girls (and gay men) do? I still use milk crates for furniture, for Christ's sake. What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I was supposed to be gay, but then at some crucial stage in my fetal development some of my fabulous curly gay genes were straightened out and now I'm like a tom-woman. I could give a rat's ass about my cuticles. I feel like a clown when I put on make-up. And don't even talk to me about your wedding or I'll rip my uterus out and make you wear it as a hat.



( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 31st, 2005 02:11 am (UTC)
Dude I totally know what you mean about "women's" watches. They're like a glorified bracelet or something. And wedding talk = blurgh!
Mar. 31st, 2005 02:52 am (UTC)
"Make up" rhymes with "Satan." Sort of.

And if you didn't hate jewelry so much, you could use those clips ons as odd little brooches. Or you could glue magnets on the backs and have yourself some refrigerator clips for, like, whatever.

Mind you, getting that crafty always makes me nervous I'm going to turn into one of those old ladies with the blue bouffants and the kitten appliqué sweatshirts.
Mar. 31st, 2005 02:53 am (UTC)
Mar. 31st, 2005 03:04 am (UTC)
I enjoyed your why post.

I often wonder why I usually have to go back three times to an auto parts store before I'll have the right part. It's almost a given that it won't be right the first time.
Mar. 31st, 2005 05:50 am (UTC)
No need for you to collect any sticks, I'll give you all the wood you need, Baby.

Mar. 31st, 2005 03:02 pm (UTC)
Can you get me an ax, too?
Mar. 31st, 2005 06:06 am (UTC)

in conclusion, i relate.
Mar. 31st, 2005 01:13 pm (UTC)
Tom Women unite!
Mar. 31st, 2005 01:38 pm (UTC)
fun piece--and just the right length :)
Mar. 31st, 2005 02:23 pm (UTC)
this made me chuckle. Not at you, of course, but especially the clip-on bit. Oh and the ripping out of your uterus. *snicker* I love that sort of hoo-ah, in your face mentality.

You're a unique individual loving life the way you want in a society which tries to spoon feed us the "norms" of what womanhood should encompass. Grr.

To a certain degree I am ALLLL woman and all that comes with the jewelry wanting, house decorating, pretty things making crap. But I also have a different side. A side which hates shopping, hates mom groups, loves football, loves hockey, loves vulgarity, hates drama, hates heels, hates dresses, hates...a lot of things.
And I kill every houseplant within a 5 mile radius.

I however, have slept with women and could definitely jump into my gayness. lol
Mar. 31st, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC)
I really wish I could be a girly-girl sometimes. I suppose if I drank enough I could pull it off---body glitter and all.
Mar. 31st, 2005 08:09 pm (UTC)
Mar. 31st, 2005 11:33 pm (UTC)
I like the color pink, body glitter and jewelry, though I rarely wear the last two. My best friend once came home and found me sitting on my ass out in the garden, covered in muddy overalls, barefoot in the dirt pulling weeds. At that moment she came to a realization... "You will never be comfortable in a skirt, will you?"

Damn straight!
I too have bad cuticles, I bite my nails off before they break, refuse to do the whole fake nail thing, I despise shopping for clothes and my potty mouth is worse than any trucker I've ever met :)
Mar. 31st, 2005 11:43 pm (UTC)
In spite of all this, you are my most girly-girl friend!
Apr. 2nd, 2005 11:05 am (UTC)
I guess I'm not your friend, seeing as I'm girly enough for the whole lot of you. :(
Apr. 2nd, 2005 03:26 pm (UTC)
Of course you're my friend! Yeah, you are way girly-girl. Right up there with J Lo.
Apr. 2nd, 2005 11:08 am (UTC)
Being a potty mouth has nothing to do with how fucking girly you are. I'm so fucking sure. I swear like a sailor and I'm about as girly as a girly-girl can fucking get. Bah! :P
Mar. 31st, 2005 03:09 pm (UTC)
Hmmm...jabber in the username and you like hockey? You rock! :)
Mar. 31st, 2005 03:18 pm (UTC)
I just checked your journal out and added you.
Mar. 31st, 2005 04:29 pm (UTC)
Dude, I'm with you. Especially about the hate-on for make up and the wedding talk. I hate weddings with a passion that increases everytime I can't figure out a way to politely decline being a bridesmaid- after six stupid puffy purple dresses worth of wasted money, weddings make me slightly homocidal. And don't even get me started on make up...

Also, rocks, dirt and sticks are awesome. Do you like Andrew Goldsworthy? He thinks rocks, dirt and sticks are awesome too.
Mar. 31st, 2005 04:31 pm (UTC)
Yes! I love Andrew Goldsworthy! I have Rivers and Tides on DVD. Have you seen it?
Mar. 31st, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC)
Hiya there. Recently friended you because you friended me, and as it turns out, we're kindred in good ways.

One way in particular ... the watch thing. One of my complaints about "women's" watches, besides being "glorified bracelets" (as the_mongrel so smartly describes), is how small the face is and the difficulty it causes in reading the time at a glance. If I want to know what time it is, I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time squinting at it or bringing it up to my face. Fine, fine, fine, if people want a watch to be fashionable, I'm all for an aesthetically pleasing design. But not at the cost of functionality. C'mon! You wear a watch primarily for telling time. Perhaps that's an outdated attitude. Harrumph.
Mar. 31st, 2005 11:46 pm (UTC)
Yeah. Dainty shit needs to fuck off.
Apr. 2nd, 2005 12:53 pm (UTC)
One of your most caustic tirades yet. Loved it. :)
Apr. 2nd, 2005 05:14 pm (UTC)
I won't stop until every doll in the world has a butcher knife up its butt!
Okay. I'll stop now.
Apr. 2nd, 2005 02:46 pm (UTC)
I'm just a stranger passing by, but your rant has touched the tom-woman heart of me. I don't know how many times I've said that I'm a (butch) gay man trapped in a woman's body! Brava!
Apr. 2nd, 2005 03:28 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. God.

I say that all the time too!
Apr. 9th, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
It's because girlie stuff is designed to make you feel inadequate. "What? You don't naturally have three inch long eyelashes?!? Then here's a hot glue gun and the pubes of an Artic Fox - get gluein'!"

Personally, I love to dress up and down. I played with dolls and I smelled like dirt when I was a child - remember? You gotta embrace them both. Take a walk on the wild side every now and then, ya knaw wh' I mean?

And dainty things don't need to fuck off. But those sandals with four inch lifts do. And cropped tops, too.
Apr. 10th, 2005 02:51 am (UTC)
Oh my God ! You Read My Journal!
Yeah, a girl could sprain her ankle pretty bad wearing sandels like that!
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )