The other morning Azucena says to me, "My mind is everywhere. I can't fuck us." So I'm like, "Whoa! What did you just say?!? And she repeats, "My mind is everywhere. I cannot fuck us!" And I say, "Oh, you mean 'focus'." And she says, "That's what I said, 'fuck us.' So I'm like, "No, Azu, it's pronounced 'FOH-CUSS', 'focus', like that." And she repeats slowly, "Fuuuck uuss." After several more attempts I finally just taught her how to say "concentrate" instead.
Demanding Little Furry Freaks...
Like clockwork, my cat Snickers wakes me up at 2:52 am every morning to feed her. She does this by clawing at my covers. I ignore her for as long as I possibly can because, hello?!? I'm trying to sleep here! Well this morning after her usual clawing-at-my-covers routine, she hauled off and bitch-slapped me across the face! I could not even believe it! It was as if she were saying, "I said get up and feed me NOW, Bitch!" The audacity of some cats! Of course I got up and fed her without even scolding her, because as I've said before, I'm pussy-whipped.
Choo-Choo Choosin' My Confessions...
I'm normally a high-brow literary type, you know, reading my Proust and Dostoyevsky and all. But, when I get pissed at the world and can't take it anymore, I head straight for the grocery store checkout lane and indulge in arm loads of deplorable, celebrity-watching type magazines. I'm talking "Us" magazine, "In Touch", "People" and even the occasional "Celebrity Hair Style" magazine.
These purchases are usually accompanied by a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice-cream. When I fall, I fall hard and there's usually chocolate and caramel involved. When I'm on the verge of going on a killing spree, the only thing that can calm me down is finding what Courtney Love is being arrested for now and what she was wearing when it happened.
Because of all the pictures of scantily-clad, celebrity chicks in these magazines, my boyfriend refers to these magazines as my "Lesbian Porn." Why he's always accusing me of being a lesbian is beyond me. Perhaps it's my infrequent leg-shaving or the fact that I often prefer to snuggle with my cat instead of him.
Having said that, imagine my surprise when he and I were at the park throwing the ball for his dog when he (the boyfriend, not the dog) starts talking about some actor guy named Montgomery Clift who starred in some classic western movie. I was only half paying attention when out of nowhere he says, and I quote, "If I were gay I'd probably lust after that Montgomery Clift guy because there's just something about him."
I screamed at the top of my lungs, "Oh my God! And you're always accusing me of being a lesbian!" We got in my van and drove away when we realized an entire soccer team had stopped playing and was staring at us.