createdestiny (createdestiny) wrote,
createdestiny
createdestiny

Some Assembly Required

Since the dawn of the square root of pi, many couples have longed to count among their progeny a holy fool. Holy fools are widely revered in such countries that house ornate churches and perform elaborate rituals praising those who appear to be mad, but in truth have attained the highest state of purity and blessedness in which poverty, disdain, and dishevelment are embraced as a means to great spiritual riches.  Holy fools, such as St. Xenia of  Petersburg, the cross-dressing homeless wanderer  who wore her dead husband's army jacket and ordered everyone to call her "Andrew," are are desired as offspring due to the most assured belief that the bearers of such a child shall also receive eternal gifts.

Until now, there has been no clear instruction on how a holy fool can be sprung from one's loins.  But tiny, mystical Buddha's inhabiting the grains of sand on an unnamed beach in California have revealed in 18 easy steps how you too, can conceive a holy fool: 

Step One - Fold concentric mandalas into your DNA.

Step Two -  Apply swelling stars to the dough of your soul.

Step Three - Shake a bowl of protoplasm gently until it ripples out into infinity.

Step Four -  Lamb yourself, thrice.

Step Five - Wrap six feathery sibyls with symbols of affliction until a butterfly is sacrificed to the monarch.

Step Six - Wait 750,000 years.

Step Seven - Attach the tokens of feckless ecstasy to the balanced spheres at each ledge.

Step Eight - Heap sunken languages into successive layers of kindness.

Step Nine - Tremble before God.

Step Ten - Kiss the Zohar deeply.

Step Eleven - Give yourself over to the heaving abstraction of melting cellos.

Step Twelve - Clump caged hermits into the fray and insert the sloshing continents into the implied syntax.

Step Thirteen - Collapse into yes.

Step Fourteen - Heave a horde of paleontologists into the dead emperor's tomb.

Step Fifteen - Pulse until the reckoning is blue.

Step Sixteen - Kenotically alter the course of the hushed resolve until catacombs emerge from the spiced marble.

Step Seventeen - Cleanse the sky with spruce fur.

Step Eighteen - Repeat step thirteen until gazelles appear on the extinct horizon.
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