I was pretty excited after our first two meetings. In our first session when I told her that I wanted to free myself from negative thoughts, she suggested that I read/do The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron. This was perfect because I've had that book on my shelf for several years collecting dust. I actually started it once before but got sidetracked by those damned self-defeating negative thoughts.
She also suggested I pick up a book called There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber. The two books go well together. With the Huber book, there are many things that give me sustenance and there are also some things that I just can't buy. As with all things in life, I gather what speaks to me and leave the rest behind. The Artist's Way is extremely helpful. If you are a creative type (and you are) who feels blocked by self-loathing and negativity (if you don't, then show me the way) I highly recommend this book.
With the therapy there is a lot of excavating, excavating memories of family life, childhood experiences, a lot of "What was your mother like? What was your father like? How did that make you feel" stuff. I'm not digging this part. I don't like it because it makes me feel stuff that I don't want to feel. She’s insistent that this is part of the process. Sometimes I want to say to her, "Can we just jump to the part where you hypnotize me into being the person I want to be?" I'm hoping my bank account can keep up because my health insurance doesn't cover this. SSRIs are so much cheaper, doncha know?
After four sessions I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to be paying attention to....but I have noticed some things. I've noticed that the universe does seem to give you what you need at the moment you need it and it's not always pleasant. Sometimes it's an electric prod to the arse telling you, "this job you devote so much of your energy and time to does not feed your soul and I'm going to sit here and prod you with this painful device until you move to another pasture because I want to lead you beside still waters and restore your soul!"
My reaction to that is "NOOOOOOOOO OMG WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME I WANT TO DIE PLEASE HELP ME GOD!" Followed by lots of angst and desperate clinging to what is safe and familiar even when what's safe and familiar is poisoning my soul.
But more often than that, I'm noticing, the universe gives pleasant things, thousands of salves for your psychic wounds, elixirs for your parched soul, balms for your mental bruises, injections for your hangovers that come from bingeing on negativity all your life, vaccinations to protect you from despair, medicinal herbs to boost your spiritual immune system, all this medicine for the person who is actively seeking the cure for despair, negativity, self-doubt and fear. The more you look for this medicine, the more it comes to you.
Of course the opposite is also true, if you think this world sucks and everything is cruel and pointless, you will find a thousand things daily to confirm this theory while remaining blind and untouched by the ocean of blessings you are swimming in. It’s slavery man, it’s pure hell. I know. And I know many people on my friends list are going through this right now and have been going through it for years. Please know that even hell has its purpose, as Viktor Frankl said, “What is to give light must endure burning.” I hope you find a way out soon and if you can, grab this rope:
The truth will set you free. If you do not feel free right now, it’s because you are actively believing a lie about yourself, the meaning and purpose of your life and the true nature of the universe.
How can we stop believing this lie?
We can’t stop until we are sick of it. Lao Tzu said, “He who is sick of sickness is not sick.” I don't understand how this applies to physical illness, but I get how it applies to depression, anxiety and despair: Once we are finally so sick and tired of negativity and despair that we are willing to let go of all our hate (including self-hate), all our resentments and all the negative artificial aspects of our personality that we think we need to fuel our art, our writing, our music, once we are sick to death of this negativity, we will surrender to our true nature and the true nature of the universe, and we will not be sick anymore.
We think this sickness sticks to us like napalm and it does. We've tried to give it up a million times, but there's still stuff to burn. It’s burning up our egos and everything about us that is superficial and diseased. It’s refining us, because deep down, underneath all this fear and all the negative lies of despair that we’re constantly feeding on and the world is feeding to us, we’re golden, we are godblessed supernovas of love and until we give ourselves over to that eternal light that is within us, we will experience life in this world as hell.
Now stare at this photo. See that bright blotch of sun reflected in the water? That sun stuff is within you.