January 27th, 2007

wreck slow

Vaginal My-WHAT-Now?

Vaginal Mycosis

That's a possible side-effect from a new medication I'm taking. It's the spontaneous growth of a second vagina between your toes. I'm not looking forward to this.

Why do side-effects always have to be undesirable? Why not side effects like spontaneous orgasm, a perky sensation in the breasts, loss of arm pit hair and sudden increase in income?

Gettin' Lucky

It used to be that getting lucky meant scoring a drug of choice for the weekend or finding some hippie boy candy to suck on. But now that I'm getting older, for my friends and I, it's come to mean having a bowel movement.

Sitting in a cafe the conversation goes like this:

"Did you get lucky this morning?"

"No, I haven't pooped for two days."

"Jesus, maybe you should smoke a joint or something."

"I'm hoping this coffee will do it."

"Can we get going? My hemorroids are flaring up again."

"That's because you strain. I've told you not to strain."

"Well, I don't have all fucking day for gravity to run it's course. I've got shit to do. I strain because I need to get on with my life."

"Can we stop by Rite-Aid?"

"For what? Liquor?"

"No, I need to pick up an enema."

"Oh, Jesus. Grab me some Preparation H while you're in there."