August 12th, 2004

great wave

Sister, Sister, He's Just a Baby but if you don't call me I'm taking you out of my will!

My sister, karmajones is a beotch and I'll tell you why.

She is the most hilarious person on the face of the planet and yet she refuses to update her livejournal on a regular basis, depriving me and millions of others of much needed comic relief.

I'll give you a few examples of why she's so funny after I bitch about her briefly.

Okay. She up and moved to Texas several years ago and had the nerve to marry some Texas guy which severely decreased her chances of ever escaping from that horrid state.

I was able to deal with that by getting my fill of her over the phone, but then she had to go off and have a BABY of all things so now when we talk she's always like, "Oh, hang on a second, Bobby's trying to eat dog food", or "Can I call you right back, Bobby's about to drink some Drano", or "I can't talk right now, Bobby just pulled a turd out of his diaper and now he's wiping it on the walls."

So now I have to share her with some little white-haired, chunky monkey, butt-nugget who poops and blows raspberries all day!

The last time I was on the phone with her I was trying to tell her about how my life is really crappy and depressing right now and she all of a sudden bursts out laughing, and I'm like, "HELLO?!? I just said I want to crawl into a hole and die and you burst out laughing?" And she's like, "Oh, sorry, Bobby just did the cutest thing, he..." [blah, blah, blah, I don't know what he did]. But then she's like, "Okay, what were you saying about wanting to die?" And I go on, "Everything sucks right now because... *and she bursts out laughing again*!!!! So I'm like, "HELLO!" And she says, "Oh, man, Bobby just tried to eat the cat, ha ha ha blah blah blah.."

So I say, "Call me back when Bobby gets his own damn apartment!!!!" CLICK!

to be continued.....
great wave

Butt-Nugget and The Family Curse

Be verry quiet, I'm hunting wabbits
This is the butt-nugget with whom I am competing for my sister's attention. Please note the Michelin man tire legs which I hope he retains FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE! Oh, he may look innocent, but he's guilty as sin! Guilty of tearing me and my sister apart! Guilty of depriving the world of the much needed comic relief that was formerly supplied by his mother via phone calls to me and updates in her livejournal. And he's also guilty of stealing my rightful spot as the center of the universe.

Okay, enough of that Shiite Muslim...on to other news.

What I really want to say is ***HAPPY BIRTHDAY*** to my mother, who was born on Friday, the 13th of August in like 1943 or thereabouts. Everyday when she goes to work, the first thing she does is check my livejournal to see if I've written anything. Then, and only then, does she check my sister's husband's website to see if he's posted any new pictures of the butt-nugget. So at least one person in this family has their priorities straight!--first ME, then Bobby. It's only fair since I was here first! So get in line, BAH-BEE!

Now, I don't want to gloss over the fact that my mom was born on Friday the 13th. In fact, I'd like to discuss an interesting pattern that appears to be developing in my family's history, a little pattern that from henceforth I shall refer to as "The Family Curse."

I'm not sure how far this goes back but to my knowledge, crazy, wacked-out things have happened on certain family member's birthdays.

For example, my mom was born on Friday the 13th and everybody knows that psycho serial killers like to wear hockey masks and murder teenagers on this day.

Then, there's my other sister, Cathy, who was born on July 20, 1964. Not a big deal. Not a big deal that is until her 5th birthday came along and we landed on the moon! Nobody cared that day that it was her birthday, as everyone was glued to their respective televisions, watching the news unfold.

Then, my sister Cathy had her first baby, on SEPT. 11, 1991, and nobody gave a rat's ass about his 10th birthday, I can tell you that much right now.

So, are you seeing the pattern here? I predict that on butt-nugget's 15th birthday some serious shit is going to go down. Possibly the discovery of life on other planets. Possibly another 9/11. We'll just have to wait and see. But remember this day folks, Nov. 5, 2018.....