June 20th, 2004

great wave

Teens, Frank Zappa and Snakes

So I've been "teen-sitting" for the last four days. What that means is that I make sure my friend's two teenage boys don't have a huge party and burn the house down while their mom is out-of-town.

Yesterday, the teens in question made me watch Frank Zappa's Baby Snakes.
I don't have anything positive to say about Frank Zappa. Well, okay, maybe he's an odd-ball genius of sorts but why all the potty humor? I mean why be talented as hell and then just sing songs literally about poop, women's breasts and beer? Oh I know I would've loved this crap when I was younger, but now it just seems so stupid. My apologies to all the Zappa fans out there.

Then, get this. A friend of the teens came over and she had two "medium" sized snakes with her that she recently acquired. I was teen-pressured into holding one of the snakes just for the experience of it. I kept telling these kids that I don't like snakes and that I'm from the school the says snakes should be killed on sight, not taken as pets and carried around for people to gawk at. This comment really set the teens off! They attacked me with my own words--"How can you always tell us to not judge people and to be kind to all living creatures and then turn around and have hate in your heart towards snakes?!?!?!You're a hypocrite brain-washed by religion to hate snakes!!!"

So I said, "All right, hand me the blasted snake!" Then I held it for a while. They kept saying, "Oh pet it! Feel how smooth it's skin is." I successfully ignored these pleas and after about one minute I handed the snake back to them. Over the course of the next few hours, they made me hold the snake three more times to prove that I'm not a hypocrite. Damn kids.....I still hate snakes....
great wave

Fiction 59 submission #1

title: Camping with Dad

"No curling irons."
"But Dad!" I winced, tears welling up in my eyes.
"You won't need it in the woods."
I stomped away, knowing the futility of protesting. Maybe if I killed myself my father would understand. At my funeral photographers would snap pictures of my father's anguished face. Headlines would proclaim, "13 Year-Old Girl Dead, Father Unreasonable."
great wave

Fiction 59 submission #2

title: Amber Jean

She arrived by Greyhound. Amber, with her alabaster skin, red pirate skirt and fish-net stockings. I met her at the station and hauled her luggage over to the Thelma and Louise Cafe. On account of her being married to a potential cult founder, and the sorrow and anxiety that must entail, I bought her a cheeseburger and fries.
great wave

Fiction 59 submission # 3

title: America

She stood before the Tribal Counsel. They were reading a list of her crimes---Little Bighorn, Wounded Knee, Trail of Tears. She pled guilty and the people reeled from the shock. The red land opened.

Looking into the bone-filled canyon the memories spooled out from her core. Nicholas Black Elk stepped forward, making the sign of the cross.
great wave

The Chico News & Review's Fiction 59 Contest

So, every year Chico's weekly Arts & Entertainment rag has a contest called "Fiction 59." The idea is to write a piece of fiction using EXACTLY 59 words (title not included).

This is the first time I've ever submitted anything for this contest. I didn't even get an honorable mention. Wah.

The following 3 entries are my submissions to this contest.