May 27th, 2004

great wave

Sucking it up

My sister's husband has this really old dog named Katie. She's got all kinds of health problems, tumors, probably gout and God knows what else. I'm sorry to say this but she's really gross and pathetic to look at. It's like a tumor is eating her snout from the inside out and she huffs and snorts in her attempts to breathe. Sometimes blood comes spraying out of her nose when she breathes out. This morning my mom walked past her and Katie let out a snort and my mom said, "Katie, aren't you dead yet?"

I know that sounds bad, but man, what a downer having to be around this dying dog. My sister's husband, Bill, refuses to get the dog put to sleep. My mom joked that we should get the dog put to sleep for his birthday on Friday!

I feel better because before Karma left for work she gave me a Darvocet for my cramps. Maybe that's how I'll get through this "vacation": prescription pain killers. I'll just smile and not think about the giant, lonely question mark my life has turned out to be.

Look, I am sucking it up and I'm going to try to make the best of it. I just wish I could spend more time with my sister.

I am however, utterly scandelized by my sister's lack of interest in recycling. Aluminium cans go straight in the trash and it makes me cringe.
great wave

Smoking and Resentment

Oh Man, I want a cigarette sooo bad. I quit smoking 8 years ago, but being around my sister, who smokes, is really giving me cravings. I really don't want to cave in. But I want to, you know?

For dinner my mom made her old-fashioned macaroni and cheese and I made Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato sandwiches. I used Morning Star Farms Vegetarian "bacon", which ROCKS, but my brother-in-law (who had eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as soon as he got home from work because he just "could not wait") stood there and criticized my cooking the whole time, which just made me want a cigarette THAT much more.

For a long time I've believed that cigarette smoking and resentment go hand in hand, one feeds the other. When I quit smoking 8 years ago it was bound up with a flood of heavenly grace that spontaneously welled up within me and inspired me to stop "hating" God and start forgiving others.

Now that resentment is welling up in me again, and of course I want a cigarette. God help me!