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Peanut Butter Buddha with a Baseball Bat

So I was buying some weed from Stephen Colbert and he was trying to charge me like an additional $750.00 as some kind of "tax." I protested but he was not cool AT ALL.*

CRAMPZ, people. Mother Trucking** crampz.

My mantra at work last week: whatever asshole, who fucking cares? It was given to me by The Devil. I'm not gonna use that one this week. Unless I'm already a slave to it. Pray that I'm not. Because it saturated my heart with such sorrow that pools of tears flooded into your foot prints.

That's the thing, you see. If a negative thought knocks on your door of your mind, for God's sake don't answer it. No matter how loud the knocking, just ignore it. It will go away. But if you answer the door, it barges right in, starts going through your medicine cabinet, pops the last couple of Vicodin you've been saving for a rainy day, criticizes the books on your shelves and mocks your responses. Then it plops right down on your couch, takes over the remote and will not leave for the life of you. I'm telling you, don't answer the door!

Countless times, YES has knocked on my door and I've peeked nervously out from behind the curtains. She says, "Come on, God, you can do this!" One of these days I'm going to barge right out there, slow dance the length of the porch with her and we'll run away to San Francisco. I'm keeping a suitcase by the door. I have no idea how we'll pay the rent.

Conversation With Best Gay Friend Last Friday:

ME: Today is a poor man’s mocha*** kind of day……..

HIM: By “poor man” you're not referring to me, are you?

ME: If I was referring to you I’d say it was a 'mud on my turtle mocha' kind of day.

HIM: So you like your coffee the way you like your men?

ME: Yes: selflessly devoted to my tech-support needs and lots of washy the dishies. I believe it’s called a Sunshine Jesus latté. Has a hint of lemon joy, very subtle. They have it at Peet’s, but it’s not on the menu.

**I'm trying to cut back on the F-word. Times being rough and all.
***packet of hot chocolate mixed with crappy Folger's office-brewed coffee


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 29th, 2009 10:58 pm (UTC)
I knew what you meant by poor man's mocha.
Mar. 29th, 2009 11:00 pm (UTC)
It's the worst.
Mar. 29th, 2009 11:34 pm (UTC)
that's cause you're not using mini-marshmallows.

Mar. 29th, 2009 11:18 pm (UTC)
The poor man's mocha has been a tonic for this weary soul for many, many mornings.

The last time I let a negative thought in, it smoked all my pot and forgot to water my houseplants for 3 months.

I'm pretty sure we have the exact same taste in men.
Mar. 29th, 2009 11:34 pm (UTC)
The last time I let a negative thought in, it smoked all my pot and forgot to water my houseplants for 3 months.

You got off easy.
Mar. 29th, 2009 11:46 pm (UTC)
Open the door NOW.
Sorry, but the tougher the times, the more imperative a real "fuck" is. Imitation fucks suck. Yes says so.
Mar. 29th, 2009 11:55 pm (UTC)
Re: Open the door NOW.
Well, in the words of Ned Flanders, "that puts me in a dilly of a pickle."

Edited at 2009-03-29 11:55 pm (UTC)
Mar. 30th, 2009 01:11 am (UTC)
hey BAYby! here's to a brand new week (dilly pickles or no...)!
(i like this poor (wo)man's recipe... whips up somethin;)
& i so feeeeel for ya at the job of infinite tears--why i can't ever go back to mine.
luvs to ya for the new real thang!
Mar. 30th, 2009 02:21 am (UTC)
best entry ever
Mar. 30th, 2009 02:46 am (UTC)
poor man’s mocha

During university, I sometimes resorted to no-name instant coffee and bulk hot chocolate mix. Sometimes such things are necessary.
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 1st, 2009 01:28 am (UTC)
I don't remember playing that game.....

I guess we all devise our own strategies for coping with negative/dark thoughts. I'm going to send you an email....
Mar. 31st, 2009 11:02 pm (UTC)
I don't see enough of you. ;)
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )