1. He's a gifted comic with quick wits and a warped sense of humor. Perfect for stealing material from to launch my own comedy-writing career.
2. He makes $130,000 per year. Oh, I wish....he's actually on welfare. (Kidding again.) Look, all I know is he's got a JAY-OH-BEE, folks, something to do with insurance fraud and as long as he can bring home the fakin' bacon that's good enough for me.
3. He's asks me what I'm thinking about when things get quiet between us. Most guys could give a rat's ass and just try to shove your head toward their crotch.
4. We have a lot in common. We both spent a semester at Indiana University and had our stomachs pumped while we were there. Not only that but we both used to have pets named Jake. And get this, both of these Jakes are now dead. Coincidence? I think not. Let's get real, people, this is proof we were made for one another.
5. He reads. I'm talkin' books, not just labels on shampoo bottles when he's taking a crap.
6. If I mention something that I'm interested in and he doesn't know much about it, he goes and googles it. Tonight he's gonna google "How to pay off your girlfriend's student loans."
7. He's got a beard, and that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.
8. He goes on walks through cemeteries and brings me flowers.
So, back off you skanky livejournal hoes, he's my boyfriend now!