We took her twin babies with us and they were pretty good for most of the trip, so we got lucky in that department.
Throughout the day, I suffered numerous bouts of hiccups, which prompted me to tell the story of my Mexican co-worker, Azucena: the Hiccup Curer, which, dear readers, I shall now share with you.
Okay. One day at work I had a case of never-ending hiccups and every time Azucena would walk past me I would cry out, "Help me Azucena! You're my only hope!" After about the third time I said this she came up to me we began the following dialogue:
(please read Azucena's lines with a Spanish accent)
AZU:"I want to ask you question, but it's OK if you don't want to answer."
ME:"What [hiccup] is it? [hiccup]"
AZU:"You are lesbian, si?"
ME:"WHAT?!? No I'm not!"
AZU: "Si, [insert bona fide lesbian co-worker's name] told me that you and her had sex."
ME: [Incredulous] "What?!? No! She must have been joking."
AZU: [Dead Serious] "No. She told me that you and her had sex.
ME: "Azu, oh my God! I'm telling you, I'm not a lesbian. If she said that, she had to have been joking."
AZU: "No. It's not joke. I understand womens sometimes have thees problem. They don't like no mens. It's the same in Mexico."
ME: [insistant] "Azu, I swear I'm not a lesbian."
AZU: "No? Okay. But you don't have no more hiccups, si?"
ME: "Um...[pause....pause] Oh my God. [pause] They're gone! I'm going to kill you!"
[She runs away laughing...]
So on the drive back to Chico we stopped at a gas station in Williams. For some reason there were a ton of fire-fighters there, milling about and stocking up on snacks and what not. We put a blanket down in the back of her car and laid the kids on their tummies to give them a break from being in their car seat positions. Soon I decided that her kid Nick needed some upside down therapy. I grabbed his legs and let him hang upside down for a bit. When I put him back down I noticed that he had the hiccups. When Kris found out she said, "Damn it! You gave my kid the hiccups. Now he's going to be a lesbian!"
When we got situated in the car and were ready to leave we had the following conversation:
KRIS: "You know what I like best about fire-fighters?"
ME: "Their uniforms?"
KRIS: "No."
ME: "Their trucks?"
KRIS: "Nope."
ME: "Um...their scrotums?"
KRIS: "Nuh-uh."
ME: "Okay, I give up."
KRIS: "It's their self-less heroism."
ME: "Oh. I've never thought of that before."
As we were pulling out of the gas station, we rolled past a bunch of 'em standing around their trucks so Kris rolls down her window and shouts out, "Show us your nipples!" I could have died!!!
