createdestiny (createdestiny) wrote,

Fort Bragg and Azucena the Hiccup Curer

My friend Kris and I decided to ditch her non-sufficient-funds-causing "husband" and run away to Fort Bragg for some ocean therapy. This, apparently, is what financially responsible people do in order to prevent the awful ripping of a "new poop-chute", shall we say, for bad boyfriends. Being somewhat financially irresponsible myself, I only learned this yesterday.

We took her twin babies with us and they were pretty good for most of the trip, so we got lucky in that department.

Throughout the day, I suffered numerous bouts of hiccups, which prompted me to tell the story of my Mexican co-worker, Azucena: the Hiccup Curer, which, dear readers, I shall now share with you.

Okay. One day at work I had a case of never-ending hiccups and every time Azucena would walk past me I would cry out, "Help me Azucena! You're my only hope!" After about the third time I said this she came up to me we began the following dialogue:

(please read Azucena's lines with a Spanish accent)

AZU:"I want to ask you question, but it's OK if you don't want to answer."

ME:"What [hiccup] is it? [hiccup]"

AZU:"You are lesbian, si?"

ME:"WHAT?!? No I'm not!"

AZU: "Si, [insert bona fide lesbian co-worker's name] told me that you and her had sex."

ME: [Incredulous] "What?!? No! She must have been joking."

AZU: [Dead Serious] "No. She told me that you and her had sex.

ME: "Azu, oh my God! I'm telling you, I'm not a lesbian. If she said that, she had to have been joking."

AZU: "No. It's not joke. I understand womens sometimes have thees problem. They don't like no mens. It's the same in Mexico."

ME: [insistant] "Azu, I swear I'm not a lesbian."

AZU: "No? Okay. But you don't have no more hiccups, si?"

ME: "Um...[pause....pause] Oh my God. [pause] They're gone! I'm going to kill you!"

[She runs away laughing...]

So on the drive back to Chico we stopped at a gas station in Williams. For some reason there were a ton of fire-fighters there, milling about and stocking up on snacks and what not. We put a blanket down in the back of her car and laid the kids on their tummies to give them a break from being in their car seat positions. Soon I decided that her kid Nick needed some upside down therapy. I grabbed his legs and let him hang upside down for a bit. When I put him back down I noticed that he had the hiccups. When Kris found out she said, "Damn it! You gave my kid the hiccups. Now he's going to be a lesbian!"

When we got situated in the car and were ready to leave we had the following conversation:

KRIS: "You know what I like best about fire-fighters?"
ME: "Their uniforms?"
KRIS: "No."
ME: "Their trucks?"
KRIS: "Nope."
ME: "Um...their scrotums?"
KRIS: "Nuh-uh."
ME: "Okay, I give up."
KRIS: "It's their self-less heroism."
ME: "Oh. I've never thought of that before."

As we were pulling out of the gas station, we rolled past a bunch of 'em standing around their trucks so Kris rolls down her window and shouts out, "Show us your nipples!" I could have died!!!
Tags: friends, humor

  • A Tale for the Time Being - Ruth Ozeki

    I’m a terribly uncool person these days. I live in a small, somewhat hip college town in Northern California where any number of interesting…

  • Radical Reinvention by Kaya Oakes

    Kaya Oakes resides in my pantheon of literary alterna-goddesses. She is an award-winning poet ( Telegraph), author of Slanted and Enchanted: The…

  • Thoughts on Kerouac's On the Road

    "I'm reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," my mom said to me about a year ago on the phone. We were having one of our…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.