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Fort Bragg and Azucena the Hiccup Curer

My friend Kris and I decided to ditch her non-sufficient-funds-causing "husband" and run away to Fort Bragg for some ocean therapy. This, apparently, is what financially responsible people do in order to prevent the awful ripping of a "new poop-chute", shall we say, for bad boyfriends. Being somewhat financially irresponsible myself, I only learned this yesterday.

We took her twin babies with us and they were pretty good for most of the trip, so we got lucky in that department.

Throughout the day, I suffered numerous bouts of hiccups, which prompted me to tell the story of my Mexican co-worker, Azucena: the Hiccup Curer, which, dear readers, I shall now share with you.



Okay. One day at work I had a case of never-ending hiccups and every time Azucena would walk past me I would cry out, "Help me Azucena! You're my only hope!" After about the third time I said this she came up to me we began the following dialogue:

(please read Azucena's lines with a Spanish accent)

AZU:"I want to ask you question, but it's OK if you don't want to answer."

ME:"What [hiccup] is it? [hiccup]"

AZU:"You are lesbian, si?"

ME:"WHAT?!? No I'm not!"

AZU: "Si, [insert bona fide lesbian co-worker's name] told me that you and her had sex."

ME: [Incredulous] "What?!? No! She must have been joking."

AZU: [Dead Serious] "No. She told me that you and her had sex.

ME: "Azu, oh my God! I'm telling you, I'm not a lesbian. If she said that, she had to have been joking."

AZU: "No. It's not joke. I understand womens sometimes have thees problem. They don't like no mens. It's the same in Mexico."

ME: [insistant] "Azu, I swear I'm not a lesbian."

AZU: "No? Okay. But you don't have no more hiccups, si?"

ME: "Um...[pause....pause] Oh my God. [pause] They're gone! I'm going to kill you!"

[She runs away laughing...]

So on the drive back to Chico we stopped at a gas station in Williams. For some reason there were a ton of fire-fighters there, milling about and stocking up on snacks and what not. We put a blanket down in the back of her car and laid the kids on their tummies to give them a break from being in their car seat positions. Soon I decided that her kid Nick needed some upside down therapy. I grabbed his legs and let him hang upside down for a bit. When I put him back down I noticed that he had the hiccups. When Kris found out she said, "Damn it! You gave my kid the hiccups. Now he's going to be a lesbian!"

When we got situated in the car and were ready to leave we had the following conversation:

KRIS: "You know what I like best about fire-fighters?"
ME: "Their uniforms?"
KRIS: "No."
ME: "Their trucks?"
KRIS: "Nope."
ME: "Um...their scrotums?"
KRIS: "Nuh-uh."
ME: "Okay, I give up."
KRIS: "It's their self-less heroism."
ME: "Oh. I've never thought of that before."

As we were pulling out of the gas station, we rolled past a bunch of 'em standing around their trucks so Kris rolls down her window and shouts out, "Show us your nipples!" I could have died!!!

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Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
ygolonac
Aug. 15th, 2004 03:46 pm (UTC)
That's some funny stuff.

Would have been funnier if, after shouting that and driving off you'd realized you left something behind (Nick maybe) and had to go back.

createdestiny
Aug. 15th, 2004 04:10 pm (UTC)
Confession: Kris didn't really do that. I said it would be funny if we did though.
ygolonac
Aug. 15th, 2004 05:24 pm (UTC)
What exactly is 'ocean therapy'?

Writing your problems on a sheet of paper, putting it in a bottle and throwing it into the ocean?

createdestiny
Aug. 15th, 2004 05:53 pm (UTC)
For some maybe. It's just something I made up. Going to the ocean helps one sort things out in their head, get some fresh cool air, some peace of mind, etc.
dietcokehed
Aug. 16th, 2004 09:53 am (UTC)
I was actually going to do something of the sort, but environmentally friendly. Then I realized anything friendly enough would not have the weight to actually go out to sea and my fucking problems would just keep washing back up on my feet.

I decided maybe a river would be better for that...
createdestiny
Aug. 16th, 2004 01:41 pm (UTC)
or a toilet.
myasma
Aug. 15th, 2004 10:13 pm (UTC)
love it!
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )