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Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it

So I've been having this weird hip pain. Not hip pain as in oh my vintage beer can collection and ironic 70's t-shirts are so cool it actually causes me pain, but hip pain as in it hurts where the hip bone connects to the leg bone. After months of assuming it would just go away I finally saw a doctor and he referred me to another doctor whom I saw today.

Holy Christ! It should be disclosed to patients beforehand when the doctor that is about to examine you is such a sublime expression of manhood that everything you have mentally rehearsed about the origin and subtle nuances of your condition goes right out the window when he walks in and you are rendered incapable of comprehending anything that comes out of his mouth for the next ten minutes.

But let me preface this with what happened before the blue-eyed, blond-haired, Swiss godman of white chocolate appeared before me.....

The nurse escorts me to an examining room and hands me a pair of drawstring shorts instructing me to put them on and the doctor will be with me shortly. She leaves and I change into the drawstring shorts. I sit down on the examining table taking in the black and white photos hanging on the walls of a local covered bridge . Oh cool, I think to myself, he supports local artists. Then my eyes wander down to my legs. My dry, white and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I'VE SHAVED MY LEGS legs?!?! I hop off the examining table and pace the small room, wishing like hell there was a window I could escape through. Why didn't I shave my legs this morning? Or at least this week? I sit in a chair next to the table and drape my pants over my white, hairy legs. Then I think maybe I should sit on the swivel stool, maybe the swivel stool will save me. But it doesn't so I move back to the chair and sit there launching into a minor panic attack, trying to figure out what to do.

But there's no hiding these gams in this harsh medical room light. I ponder taking off the shorts and putting my pants back on. But what if he walks in right as I'm changing!?! Then he'll see my blindingly white thighs, too! I decide not to risk it and then I freak out and decide I have to risk it or I just can't go on. I rip off the drawstring shorts as fast as I can, praying to Jesus the doctor doesn't walk in while I'm in the act. I pull my pants back on with lightning speed and quickly sit back down on the chair like nothing's happened. I start to calm down and then I look over and there's the drawstring shorts balled up on the chair beside me! They're evidence. They must be hidden so I can pretend the shorts were never offered to me in the first place. I shove them behind the chair. But what if he drops his pen and sees the shorts? Surely he'll confront me! I pick up the shorts and try to think of another hiding place. I stuff them in a drawer and sit back down. What if he opens the drawer? I jump up and retrieve them, certain that the doctor is going to enter the room at any moment, see me holding the shorts and ask accusingly, "Why haven't you put on the shorts my nurse instructed you to wear?" As a last resort I shove them in my purse and sit back down in the chair. I roll my shoulders, close my eyes and try to breathe deeply and look innocent.

Then he walks in and introduces himself. His face is like a vision of Christ on Mt. Tabor, it's radiance cannot be beheld. My brain slides out of my jaw like drool from a teething baby's mouth.

He hangs the x-ray of my hip on the light box on the wall and I hear nothing but a hollow whirling sound in my head while he presumably explains what the x-ray has revealed. Then he asks me to lie down on the examining table. I do as he says and he asks me to unbutton my pants and pull them down a bit. I stare at the ceiling because looking directly into this man's face makes things even worse. I'm pretty sure this is where the trouble began in the first place. My hands are shaking and I'm fumbling with the zipper. I pull my pants down as little as possible and he moves in with his large, warm hands and pulls them down a little more. "Show me where it hurts the most," he asks softly. Speechless, I move my hand in a diagonal motion from my right hip bone to my pelvic bone. "Does it hurt here?" he asks as he pushes his fingers into the area between my hip and my lady parts. I try to think, "Does this hurt? It used to hurt, it used to hurt a lot but now I'm confused, nothing seems to hurt now." He presses his hand into every inch of the area of concern, asking each time, "Does it hurt here? How about here?" But the damn engineer who conducts the lines of pain transmission in my brain has apparently abandoned his post and is running around in circles on his tippy toes, giggling like a gay man at an all-nude firemen's ball.

After much pressing and prodding and me giving answers like "Yeah, I think that hurts" or "I'm not sure if that hurts or not," he gives up and refers me to another specialist. I'll be sure to shave my legs next time.

P.S. Don't tell the Taliban about this. You know how they get.



( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 4th, 2008 09:41 am (UTC)
Thank you for the belly laugh. It reminds me a little of my first-ever acupuncture session.
Dec. 4th, 2008 02:26 pm (UTC)
You know, if someone could just show you a picture of the doctor beforehand then at least 50% of the brain function could be saved, doncha think?
Dec. 4th, 2008 12:03 pm (UTC)
That happened to me, too--with a new gynecologist.

Dec. 4th, 2008 02:19 pm (UTC)
Oy indeed.
Dec. 4th, 2008 02:13 pm (UTC)
I could picture everything as you so perfectly described it not only because it was perfectly described but also because this mental scene could've taken place in my head.

And this.. But the damn engineer who conducts the lines of pain transmission in my brain has apparently abandoned his post and is running around in circles on his tippy toes, giggling like a gay man at an all-nude firemen's ball....Brilliant!
Dec. 4th, 2008 02:36 pm (UTC)
second this. that part had me rolling.
Dec. 5th, 2008 06:31 am (UTC)
Third. I thought it was the funniest part.

And for some reason I pictured it illustrated by Ralph Steadman.
Dec. 4th, 2008 02:55 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the laughs! You are hysterical! p.s. good luck with your hip/next appointment/leg shaving
Dec. 4th, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC)
Oh my gods, I was laughing so hard as I read this! You truly have the comic touch!
Dec. 5th, 2008 06:17 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'll be here all week.
Dec. 4th, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC)
HEEEEheeeheee!!!! Thanks for making me almost spray coffee all over my laptop! :-D
Dec. 5th, 2008 06:16 am (UTC)
D'oh! Easy there, girl! Don't want to ruin that screen.
Dec. 4th, 2008 05:30 pm (UTC)
This was hilarious. Especially the panic before the doctor came in, hahaha.
Dec. 5th, 2008 06:16 am (UTC)
Dec. 5th, 2008 05:33 am (UTC)

giggling like a gay man at an all-nude firemen's ball

was pure gold.

Edited at 2008-12-05 05:33 am (UTC)
Dec. 5th, 2008 06:14 am (UTC)
Thanks. I wondered if the gay man should be wearing a pink tu-tu.
Dec. 5th, 2008 06:30 am (UTC)
That was fun - thanks! Comedy's hard to do; you have the knack.
Dec. 5th, 2008 01:10 pm (UTC)
What was causing the pain? Did he tell you?
Dec. 5th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
He was an Orthopedic doctor so he ruled out "bone" problems.

Edited at 2008-12-06 02:10 am (UTC)
Dec. 5th, 2008 06:57 pm (UTC)
I love it! Sounds like one of my visits to the doctor's office. They've actually caught me trying to get a window open for escape. :)
Dec. 6th, 2008 12:48 am (UTC)
Okay, I gotta hear why you were trying to escape through the window at your Doctor's office.
Dec. 7th, 2008 04:24 am (UTC)
Ah yes....

Nurse says in a casual tone, as she hands me a gown, on her way out of the room "Put this on. The doctor will be back to give you a rectal exam in a minute..."

I was hyperventilating. The lights were suddenly too bright. I assume I had some kind of a panic attack.

When they came back in the room, I was in the corer of the room, with the blinds up, trying to pry the window open. The last thing I remember was her handing me the gown.

I have issues with personal space.
Dec. 7th, 2008 05:01 am (UTC)
Oh. My. God.

I would DIE!
Dec. 6th, 2008 12:35 pm (UTC)
What about the shorts?
Why do people laugh at other peoples pain? What if you have hip cancer or some horrible third world wasting away disease and need an emergency hipectomy! We're here for you (although I suspect that you may be a bit of a hipochondriac). Good piece of writing, thanks. :>)
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )