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I'm Not Jewish

me: My hamstring hurts.
bf: Are Jews allowed to have hamstrings?

I almost choked a bitch over a table in a coffee shop this morning. I was standing around, sipping my coffee, waiting for a table to open up. Someone got up to leave and the bitch (who had come in after me) and I both headed for the same table. He beat me because he was closer. I told him, "You just took that table from me." He said, "Why, because you were going to take it from me?" I hissed, "Whatever, Loser!" and I walked away. I would have left, but I was meeting friends who hadn't shown up yet. Jesus, I was fuming. After an eternity another table opened up, my friends showed, and still I had to sit 20 feet away from a man I wanted to murder. Half an hour later I fought the urge to apologize to him. I fought it because I'm trying this new thing where I don't apologize to people who have wronged me. Seriously, I used to do this---I thought I was being all Tao-like, water seeking the lowest path and all that self-abating shit. But I was a door mat and a fool. Maybe. I still believe in it, you know, for world peace and all. But do you see how this is? A man wrongs me and then I want to apologize to him? Forgive, yes. Apologize? Hell, no!

Guerilla Gardening is the answer.

I talked to a friend about anger. He said anger is at the center of his (and possibly mankind's?) creative impulse. Finding a way to channel anger into something positive is the challenge. In my 20s I wrote from anger. In my 30s I longed not to. But here I am, often pissed as hell, whether it's personal demons, hormones or laws of attraction I don't know. Apparently it's not going away, in spite of jesus, buddha, poetry, yoga, herbs, prayer, pills, nature, exercise etc. Therefore I will take revenge on my enemies by planting oleanders at night, in abandoned, neglected public spaces. Take that, bald coffee shop bitch!

Women are wearing their tits entirely too high these days. A co-worker told me last week that I needed to hike up my girls. I'm wearing a sports bra, for Christ's sake. My girls are riding high---80s high. Which is to the moon compared to the bra-less 70s. Thanks, Posh, you grapefruit-chested, pig-nosed, freak for making the rest of us look like low-riding plebeians.

Different friends bring out different aspects of my personality. With some friends I am soft, seeking illumination and resolution on the issues we struggle with inwardly. With others I am loud, crude, sarcastic, seeking cheap laughs and a way to make fun of myself and others. When these groups of friends are inadvertently brought together I scandalize one and confuse the other. This is how it's always been for me. It used to be deadhead friends vs punk friends, radical feminist friends vs right-wing "Libertarian" friend, now it's politically apathetic lay-abouts vs amped-up born-again-conspiracy-theorists, or flagrant gay guys vs Jesus freaks, or red necks vs vegans. It's a balancing act keeping these people from coming into contact with one another. Most of the time I just give up and don't answer the phone.

Jesus, I'm probably never going to be able to go back to that coffee shop on a Saturday morning without seeing the bald bitch. I'll probably see him all over town, now. He's probably on the fucking board-of-directors for the company I work for. I won't find out until the company Christmas party and then I'll be fired for some technicality. I should just slit my wrists now to avoid the agony of it all.


( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 6th, 2008 07:38 am (UTC)
Hanging out with rednecks is a very funny. I just usually try to avoid eating anything that doesn't look exactly like a plant. :)

You are amazing. I would have told that coffee bitch to fuck off and die. He took YOUR table. fuck him. I'll kick his ass.
Jul. 6th, 2008 07:41 am (UTC)
I freakin' love you! Thank you for wanting to kick his ass for me. I tried to get D to, but he couldn't see the point. He drinks too much soy milk.
Jul. 6th, 2008 07:46 am (UTC)
Had I hoisted up my soy milk shriveled gonads and kicked that guy's ass for his behavior I would have ended up in jail with a swastika tattooed on my ass by my cellmate/master while you forgot about me and moved to Portland with bald head dude, who, during my triall, you started talking to and found out he was the editor of some literary magazine and wasn't really that bad of a guy and you'd tell him how I over-reacted and it was probably best I was in prison so I couldn't hurt people anymore.

Jul. 6th, 2008 07:52 am (UTC)
Fuck Portland.
Jul. 6th, 2008 07:41 am (UTC)
We actually had a table at the time, I was sitting at it when this happened. It was the worst table in the place due to being in the corner next to the bathrooms.

A few minutes later we got a nice table outside so it worked out ok.

Jul. 6th, 2008 07:44 am (UTC)
Yes, but I was on an active, standing hunt for another table and had been since I got my coffee.

Jul. 6th, 2008 07:48 am (UTC)
As for 'hiking up the girls', I suspect in the future there will be special springs to connect a woman's ear piercings to her nipple piercings to hoist 'the girls' to a position about even with your chin.
Jul. 6th, 2008 09:54 am (UTC)
I don't even try to introduce different groups of friends to each other anymore. There's no way most of them are going to like each other, so I just keep them all separated.

I hear ya on the anger. I'm turning 22 soon, and I've been lamenting just how angry of a person I am. I more or less inherited it. My grandfather was very angry, influencing my father to be very angry, influencing me to be very angry. Like you though, I try not to outwardly express it directly to the people who deserve it, which causes me to just internalize everything. People just wear me down to nothing, and I end up just snapping (though this was popular among some people because I would just cut down people who had it coming). I had to go cool off at work today because I almost assaulted some customers who were giving me a lot of shit. That I have to bite my tongue when I have to listen to a lot of racist cockbaggery amazes me how calm I generally remain.

Not to mention, and I bet you can sympathize, people like to zero in and harass anyone who is minding their own business and not bothering anyone.

That's why I write now. So that I will make enough money to buy a house in Maine and a high-security fence.
Jul. 6th, 2008 06:24 pm (UTC)
I used to pray, "God, help me to love."

Now I pray, "God, at least don't let me kill anyone."

(Deleted comment)
Jul. 6th, 2008 04:57 pm (UTC)
This is seriously 98% wrong. I wonder if you even have my birthdate right. If you do, then this just wiped out any belief I had in the science of astrology.

I am supremely insecure, I am uncomfortable being the center of attention, I want to blend into the background. I repress my feelings until I explode or implode. I hate life, I demand very little, I underestimate my own capabilities. "Loves Luxury?" I feel guilty for getting pedicures. "Supremely Confidant Mother?" More like, pathologically afraid to bring a child into this fucked up world. Wants to die most of the time, can't wait til her number is up, resents being born, negative disposition.

Parts that are accurate: jealous, sensitive to criticism, high-strung, exaggerated reactions.
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:40 pm (UTC)
So the good thing I learned from reading this post is, it's not just me. Boobs actually HAVE been relocated north to just below the collarbone.

I'm old enough to remember when cleavage was sort of like a "special occasion" thing, not a "Hi, my name is Cindi, can I help you select a new phone?" kind of thing. I was so mesmerized by her ample bosom while fearing it could cut off her air supply by pressing on her windpipe that I couldn't even focus on the phones. I asked my 23-yr. old surly youth who was with me at the time, "Do boys find that kind of boobage display as distracting as I do?" "Look around. It's called sales, Mom."

The bad thing I learned is that I do not now, nor have I ever had enough friends to even have ONE in each of the categories of friends you are juggling. I'm suffering a severe friend shortage and I think I may be too old to do anything about it.

Write more and worry less.
Jul. 6th, 2008 05:00 pm (UTC)
I can only assume that 20 years from now women in sales will be wearing thongs and pasties.
Jul. 6th, 2008 05:15 pm (UTC)
Maybe by then the pendulum will have swung really far in the opposite direction and they'll all look like those prairie-dress-wearing wives of the polygamist that we saw on the news.

I don't think Verizon actually encourages low-cut tops on their female employees, so I'm guessing (at least in this instance) the young woman made the decision on her own to use her girls as a sales tool. It was more than cleavage, it was half-exposed breastage.
Jul. 6th, 2008 08:57 pm (UTC)
Prairie dresses will become a hot fetish. There will be lurid underground clubs devoted to them.
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:53 pm (UTC)
Posh's breasts look like two styrofoam cups cut in half. SO FAKE. Yet legions adore her.

So many bald bitches to hate, so time consuming...
Jul. 6th, 2008 05:01 pm (UTC)
It's wrong, but I love your icon.
Jul. 6th, 2008 05:33 pm (UTC)
Hateville isn't so bad a place.
Jul. 6th, 2008 06:21 pm (UTC)
I guess not, since it's where I live. ;)

Edited at 2008-07-06 06:38 pm (UTC)
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:26 pm (UTC)
BRAVO! That's one of the best rants I've heard in a while!
Jul. 6th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
This entry makes me happy. I'm sure that's very telling.

Jul. 7th, 2008 03:41 am (UTC)
i think that short, concise, declarative statements are the way to go with douchebags like the table stealer. sure, you could go all dixie carter on him, but a simple, "CUNT," will do just as well.

my tits are remarkably high riding. i apologize on behalf of naturally perky boobed women everywhere.
Jul. 8th, 2008 03:49 am (UTC)
The naturally perky need not apologize. The unnaturally perky do.
Jul. 7th, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC)
My boobs are low and kinda to the sides. Not perky at all. But whatever, I look fab.

Non-hiking-the-girls girls unite!
Jul. 8th, 2008 03:47 am (UTC)
Yes! Let unite! We can burn something. Victoria's Secret catalogs, maybe.
Jul. 11th, 2008 05:31 pm (UTC)
You continually crack me up. As for anger, I do believe you can be creative without it, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Jul. 15th, 2008 02:18 am (UTC)
It feels bad. I don't know how to use it for good. I used to be able to use it as an impetus for self-improvement, but I lost that ability over a decade ago.
Jul. 15th, 2008 05:39 am (UTC)
Anger is just a type of fire. Fire isn't inherently bad, only when it's out of control. It's necessary for survival, just like anger can be. Tend it, keep it in its circle, respect it as the force of nature it is, allow it to ventilate, and it will be there for you when you need it, but it won't hurt you or others. Yes, it will still sometimes get a little wild, but after the wildfires come new growth and new blooms.
Jul. 16th, 2008 02:20 am (UTC)
Interesting perspective. I'll keep this idea in mind.
Jul. 19th, 2008 09:28 am (UTC)
Hat as a Madder!

Gotcha. Sorry if I blew your cover. Security is not my most sensitive feeling. Swear at me directly:


Or visit my feeble attempt to obtain global recognition:


You are funny. You still live in Chico, so I guess you have to be. If Portland was a small town somewhere else, I guess it would be Chico. At least you get Mexican food. Drop me a line sometime.

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )