Inspired by the rap artist "50 Cent", a co-worker of mine pondered launching his own rap career with the name "Turdy Scent."

Why is it that many people wish to watch erotic dancers, but no one is interested in watching neurotic dancers?

A friend of mine said she went vegan one day on an impulse--just like that *snaps fingers*, cold tofurky.

Does God think it's cute when we sneeze? Does he think we look adorable when we are sleeping or scratching our ears?

I was getting a ride home from an Hispanic co-worker when she pointed at a flock of birds flying south for the winter and exclaimed, "Look! The birds! They're immigrating!"

In India, you can't even milk a cow, which is udderly ridiculous.

I'm so messy and disorganized. I came home from work the other day and it looked like someone had broken into my apartment and rifled through all my stuff. I was just about to call the police when I remembered that it was I who had rifled through all my stuff that morning, looking for my car keys and a half-eaten granola bar.

Last Wednesday, at 1:30 in the morning, God knocked over the lamp on my nightstand for no apparent reason. It made such a loud crash and rudely jolted me into consciousness so violently that I nearly had a heart attack. I asked God why he did that and he said it was an accident. I was like, "You don't make accidents because you're perfect, remember?" And he was like "Oh" and he didn't say anything else, so neither did I. I'm willing to let it go this time....

I walked into work one day wearing my fiercely practical, green, rain poncho when my smart-ass boss remarked, "Nice poncho. Is that the one they gave you when you were in the Army*?" And I was like, "No. This is the one they gave me when I was in prison for killing my last boss." (I was never in the Army or prison)

I was at a book store recently and spotted a book called, Overcoming Indecisiveness. I hemmed and hawed about whether or not I should buy it. Finally decided not to. Now I regret it.


***I'm probably never going to give stand-up comedy a try, BUT if anyone steals any of this material I will sue their buttocks off!!!!!!!!! If you'd like to buy it however, we might have something to talk about...