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Inspired by the rap artist "50 Cent", a co-worker of mine pondered launching his own rap career with the name "Turdy Scent."

Why is it that many people wish to watch erotic dancers, but no one is interested in watching neurotic dancers?

A friend of mine said she went vegan one day on an impulse--just like that *snaps fingers*, cold tofurky.

Does God think it's cute when we sneeze? Does he think we look adorable when we are sleeping or scratching our ears?

I was getting a ride home from an Hispanic co-worker when she pointed at a flock of birds flying south for the winter and exclaimed, "Look! The birds! They're immigrating!"

In India, you can't even milk a cow, which is udderly ridiculous.

I'm so messy and disorganized. I came home from work the other day and it looked like someone had broken into my apartment and rifled through all my stuff. I was just about to call the police when I remembered that it was I who had rifled through all my stuff that morning, looking for my car keys and a half-eaten granola bar.

Last Wednesday, at 1:30 in the morning, God knocked over the lamp on my nightstand for no apparent reason. It made such a loud crash and rudely jolted me into consciousness so violently that I nearly had a heart attack. I asked God why he did that and he said it was an accident. I was like, "You don't make accidents because you're perfect, remember?" And he was like "Oh" and he didn't say anything else, so neither did I. I'm willing to let it go this time....

I walked into work one day wearing my fiercely practical, green, rain poncho when my smart-ass boss remarked, "Nice poncho. Is that the one they gave you when you were in the Army*?" And I was like, "No. This is the one they gave me when I was in prison for killing my last boss." (I was never in the Army or prison)

I was at a book store recently and spotted a book called, Overcoming Indecisiveness. I hemmed and hawed about whether or not I should buy it. Finally decided not to. Now I regret it.

***I'm probably never going to give stand-up comedy a try, BUT if anyone steals any of this material I will sue their buttocks off!!!!!!!!! If you'd like to buy it however, we might have something to talk about...



( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 2nd, 2004 03:42 pm (UTC)
Aug. 3rd, 2004 08:45 am (UTC)
oh that is a good one.
Aug. 2nd, 2004 03:42 pm (UTC)
These are good! I can hear the flow and timing in them really well.
Aug. 2nd, 2004 06:54 pm (UTC)
Heh, "cold tofurkey." I like that. :)
Aug. 2nd, 2004 11:01 pm (UTC)
I think I like the last one...
Aug. 4th, 2004 06:44 am (UTC)
Very Funny
Hey Sister,
You are very funny...my kids like 50 cents, I call him two quarters.

Thanks for the birthday phone call, you did good remembering, Karma on the other hand has totally forgotten about me, poor me! But if she is reading this I know she is busy and I understand forgetting me.

We were in Minneasota all last week. We had a great time, lots of baseball, went to an amusement park and water park and of course the ultimate capitalistic trip MALL OF AMERICA.

Hope to talk on the phone to you soon!!

Love you very much - Your 40 year old sister.
Aug. 4th, 2004 09:07 am (UTC)
Re: Very Funny
Thanks for commenting. It always make my day. Glad you had a good trip. Sounds like you guys did alot of fun stuff while you were there.
Aug. 7th, 2004 08:12 am (UTC)
Re: Very Funny
I really didn't forget your birthday. I even bought a present and a card...I just forgot to mail them.

I totally suck and don't deserve to have such beautiful sisters who always remember my birthday.
Aug. 9th, 2004 07:58 am (UTC)
Re: Very Funny
Thanks for not totally forgetting me. I know Bobby and Bill keep you very busy not to mention a full time job outside of the home. You don't suck and I am sure I have forgotten your birthday a time or two...I try to remember within a week or two of the birthdate. Hope you are doing well, email or call me sometime.

( 9 comments — Leave a comment )