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Lobotomy Lite?

Can somebody please tell me the cure for a crippling case of insecurity? Oh, and rage.

I am 100% certain that my punk-ass week is due to filling out one of those comment cards from a grocery store check-out lane. The cashier had been a completely enraged bitch who slammed shit around while ringing up customers. I narked on her in that comment card and guess what? This week I became a completely enraged bitch and slammed shit around. The only difference? I slammed shit around in my own home rather than in my work place. I slammed dishes into the dishwasher, I slammed the faucet handle off, I slammed vegetables onto the cutting board. I finally made the fucking karmic connection when the boyfriend called me at work to tell me that someone from the chain grocery store called and asked for me.

Karma is a bitch, y'all.

I went on an anger-fueled power walk in the park last night and mentally dared everyone I saw to try to fuck with me in some way. I was certain I could rip someone's esophagus out with my left hand while diddling my i-pod with the other. Somebody tried to smile at me and I just glared. "This is the future, asshole," I thought to myself.

I've tried every god-damned drug and religion on this planet in an effort to free myself from this disease and I swear on my sister's grave the only cure is death.

Comments

( 33 comments — Leave a comment )
bardcat
Jul. 20th, 2007 02:41 am (UTC)
Wow! I am sure this probably doesn't fit what you are sharing, but, I like Henri Nouwen's book, Reaching Out, where he writes of three stages of spiritual development: 1. Loneliness to solitude; 2. Hostility to hospitality; and 3. Illusion to prayer. I used to think my big one was #1. Now I know it is #2. I don't have any answers. I'm just sayin' we're in the same boat.
createdestiny
Jul. 20th, 2007 02:57 am (UTC)
I'm so embarrassed that you've read this post. I have shame, for sure.
(no subject) - gracegiver - Jul. 20th, 2007 03:55 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - createdestiny - Jul. 20th, 2007 04:00 am (UTC) - Expand
si_anenome
Jul. 20th, 2007 02:45 am (UTC)
Sorry you are feeling crappy. If you find a cure, please share it with the rest of us.
faerieariel
Jul. 20th, 2007 03:02 am (UTC)
whoa sister, firstly, be an optimist - at least you aren't gonna be a weak pussy pushover chick who gets jerked over in life! Secondly, is it your hormones, or what? I get angry like that 2 days a month...and I also hear hyperthyroid makes people very angry and impatient. Anyway, maybe "this disease" is something you have a definition for, in which case, drink kava tea and you will be filled with peace and love for everyone.
createdestiny
Jul. 20th, 2007 03:51 am (UTC)
Yes, hormones are involved. When will it end? I fear I need something stronger than Kava Kava tea.
virginiapaints
Jul. 20th, 2007 03:13 am (UTC)
The fastest cure is to commit random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
createdestiny
Jul. 20th, 2007 03:52 am (UTC)
You're on to something. What should I do?
(no subject) - virginiapaints - Jul. 20th, 2007 04:01 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - st_ranger - Jul. 20th, 2007 05:22 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - virginiapaints - Jul. 20th, 2007 05:30 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - dietcokehed - Jul. 20th, 2007 03:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
grrlpup
Jul. 20th, 2007 04:33 am (UTC)
I put a book on hold at the library-- A Bee in the Mouth: Anger in America Now. It sounded like an interesting, possibly Buddhist, exploration of anger. When I got it, I discovered it was a right-wing guy bemoaning Allen Ginsburg, rap music, and tattoos. There's a blurb from freakin' DR. LAURA on the back.

I was pissed! ;)
createdestiny
Jul. 20th, 2007 12:59 pm (UTC)
How Ironic
Wow. You could write a big ol' hilarious piece about how this book pissed you off. Thanks for the warning.
metalgypsy
Jul. 20th, 2007 05:18 am (UTC)
i was full of hate and rage today after being wonderfully happy and peaceful yesterday. i think it was in the air or something.
createdestiny
Jul. 20th, 2007 01:00 pm (UTC)
I hate the air.

Oh wait, we need air. Scratch that.
st_ranger
Jul. 20th, 2007 05:24 am (UTC)
I think it might be healthy to have a little splosion of anger sometimes. I tend to hold in all of my emotions. The two or three times a year I blow up (as long as I dont inflict it on anyone else) feels so good.
ygolonac
Jul. 20th, 2007 05:58 am (UTC)
Karma isn't only bad though, right? Don't you get good karma for doing good things?

Maybe we should get drunk this weekend. A good binge cleanses the frontal lobe.

You'll have to delete any LJ posts I make while drunk though.
createdestiny
Jul. 20th, 2007 01:01 pm (UTC)
I don't want to get drunk this weekend. I'm on a health kick. We should go hiking.
nodressrehersal
Jul. 20th, 2007 12:47 pm (UTC)
I think you should talk to your ob/gyn pronto. Explain exactly how you're feeling.

When my moods got all out of whack with the onset of perimenopause, I faxed a three page rant to her and to my primary-care dr., demanding that they put their heads together and come up with a solution NOW.

Life's to short to anger away your days. Then, you need to find a therapist. If you have one already, maybe a change is in order. New ears, new approach; it might make a difference.

Now breathe.
createdestiny
Jul. 21st, 2007 12:55 am (UTC)
Thanks. I've been this way my whole life, but I'm sure there are hormonal factors that are exacerbating the situation.
dietcokehed
Jul. 20th, 2007 03:47 pm (UTC)
Ask Bug about her recent brush with Karma :(

I'd tell you about it, but I don't feel it's my place...
robin_andersen
Jul. 20th, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
hmm
I was like that earlier this week. I felt like biting everybody's head off and yelling and bitching about stupid things - things that don't normally bug me. I'd love to place the blame on the hormones, but I don't know if I can;) I only had a little trickle (however, I'm _52_ damn it_ and shouldn't have _anything_ anything, you hear! Take the damned thing out and I'll dip it in silver and wear it as a damned pendant)...ooops, I guess I'm not completely over it.
I get the irrational anger, too, and lots of times it is related to the hormones, I hate to say. Also it sould be related to any meds you take - even over the counter meds like Sudafed or Benadryl. Benadryl makes me weepy - which in turn seems to feel the overwhelming anger. (And that was my mistake last week, taking a few doses of Benadryl - but my sinuses are _killing_ me)
Rest more, drink your favorite tea and try to clear your mind. It has absolutely nothing to do with Buddhism or Zen, but I find looking at the book "Funny Bunnies" to be therapeutic to me. A very simple book, just photos of different bunny breeds and a little info on them. (I'm a bunny mom)...perhaps your favorite comic strip or craft project book might soothe your rattled nerves.
As to the grocery clerk, I don't blame you for ratting her out. I find that pissy moods are more contagious than a cold. If somebody comes to work pissed off about something, you can believe by the end of the day, everybody in that department is pissed off, too.
Everybody else seems to have it covered in the spiritual way, so I'll leave that one alone....
createdestiny
Jul. 21st, 2007 12:51 am (UTC)
Re: hmm
I did have some Splenda in my coffee that day. Maybe there's a connection? But mostly I blame myself for being a spoiled, selfish, ungrateful American.

That bunny book sounds fun. My sister liked bunnies...
Re: hmm - robin_andersen - Jul. 21st, 2007 06:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: hmm - createdestiny - Jul. 21st, 2007 09:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
lcurtis
Jul. 20th, 2007 06:56 pm (UTC)
Rage
It could be worse, you could be a female in Afghanistan or Iraq or North Africa, or.... Read "A Thousand Splendid Suns" to reestablish a frame of reference.
createdestiny
Jul. 21st, 2007 12:52 am (UTC)
Re: Rage
BBAAAAAHHHHH!







I know you're right.
Re: Rage - ygolonac - Jul. 21st, 2007 08:19 am (UTC) - Expand
c_inside_out
Jul. 25th, 2007 03:16 pm (UTC)
You need to read 'The Secret' Like today, ok? ;)
createdestiny
Jul. 26th, 2007 01:19 am (UTC)
Oh really? I've never heard of it. I'll google it right now.
(no subject) - createdestiny - Jul. 26th, 2007 01:23 am (UTC) - Expand
( 33 comments — Leave a comment )