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Noogie Bound!

I told my klutzy-even-when-sober friend, Beth, that we would be camping in a rocky, primitive area. I told her that we would have to transport all the camping gear down a steep, dirt hill. I mentioned this several times as well as my fear that she would fall and hurt herself in this terrain. What I should have said is, "Bitch, if you love me, you best bring appropriate rocky-hill-climbing shoes or I'll have a continual anxiety attack that no amount of alcohol can suppress." I should have said this repeatedly. I should have screamed it in her ear every time we spoke on the phone in the days preceding our much anticipated camping trip because she brought and wore these:

P10100221

This is a photo of the dirt road we travelled to get to the prized campsite:

P10100741




As you can see it is reminiscent of some kind of third-world road in the Andes or something. We crept and cringed in my van, up and down this horrifyingly rutty road with sheer cliff drop-offs sometimes on both sides. When we arrived safely at our destination, Beth confessed that she had plead silently to The Virgin Mary for our lives. Later, sitting around the campfire drinking gin, she preached paganism as her religion of choice and I wanted to call her out and say, "You weren't praying to any of those pagan gods when you feared for your life, now were you?" But, I let it slide...

The two campsites that exist at the end of this road were empty and we had a gushing river gorge and hundreds of acres of pine and oak trees, rocks, lizards and earth to ourselves, exactly as I hoped we would.

P10100031

C.C. is such a DIY rockstar. She erected the tent virtually by herself and cooked us some great meals. One morning she insisted on making grits. When I moaned she begged me to "Open my heart to grits" and pressured me into eating a sizable bowl of this tasteless mush. I only did it because I love her. The fried potatoes she whipped up kicked much ass, however, as did the vegan tacos.


P10100351

P10100591

I had an orange "Survival" whistle that I wore on a string like a necklace. The idea was to blow the whistle to frighten away any bears in the area. I ended up using it like a referee, blowing it every time anyone started having too much fun or violated one of my many rules of camping etiquette. For example, any mention of "alcohol-fueled experiments with lesbianism" or "sex with monks" resulted in a jarring blow of the whistle and a time-out for the offender. Often, I was laughing too hard to give the whistle a good blow and the resulting wimpy whistle would bring about more hysterics. When I would finally catch my breath, I'd give the whistle a hearty blow and order a time-out for everyone.

The highlight of the trip was this: After a day of steady drinking, the sun went down on us fast and Beth wandered off in the darkness to find a place to relieve herself. Wearing those damn sports flip-flops and having no flashlight, she quickly tumbled down a rocky incline. Panic seized my heart as C.C. and I ran over to the edge of the hill and shined the flashlight on Beth, who was on her ass, rubbing her knee and insisting she was okay.

As she was attempting to climb back up the hill (on her hands and knees), she reached for what she thought was a rock stuck in the earth to pull herself up with. As soon as she grabbed it, it came loose into her hand and started moving. She calmly said "Ew, living," and tossed it about five feet down the hill. C.C. screamed, "Oh my God! What was that?" And we shined the flashlight on the strange object only to discover that it was a GIANT COCKROACH, four inches long with a thick, chunky body like that of a small bird.

I tried denial. "No, that's not a cockroach," I insisted, "it's just a drunken hallucination." Beth didn't care because she was drunk and therefore at complete peace with nature, but C.C. wouldn't let it go and kept insisting that we all freak out about the giant cockroach while Beth pulled down her pants and peed right there in the dirt.

After I escorted Beth to the tent (where she promptly passed out) C.C. and I sat around the campfire, freaking out and jumping up every ten minutes to go examine this specimen as it flitted for its life in the dirt. C.C. thought it might be a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach and made me hold the flashlight while she poked it with a stick. But it didn't hiss. I should have taken a picture of it right then and there but the absolute psychological trauma of being exposed to the existence of such a hideous creature nearly caused me to lose my marbles and I needed some time to work up the courage to photograph it. Plus, it seemed fatally wounded and I wrongly assumed it would still be there in the morning. But it wasn't and its whereabouts remained a haunting mystery for the remainder of our time at that campsite.

If it had been me who had accidentally picked up a giant cockroach with my bare hands, I would have been flown out of that forest in a straight-jacket dangling from a helicopter and taken to the nearest mental institution where I would still be receiving electric-shock treatment at this time.

The best part about this campsite is the skinny-dipping-friendly swimming hole:

P10100512

Comments

( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
ygolonac
Aug. 20th, 2005 09:36 pm (UTC)
Those shoes she's wearing do say "Sport" on them so they should be fine for anything.

I was thinking of getting a tarantula as a pet. I hope you are okay with that.

createdestiny
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:53 pm (UTC)
NO! Your dog is bad enough!
tylerpistol
Aug. 20th, 2005 09:54 pm (UTC)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, BARENEKKID PICTURES!

It's actually a really cool shot. I like the weird blue paint-y reflection (?) in the green Kool-Aid water.

createdestiny
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:17 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I forgot to mention that I saturated it a bit. The water really wasn't green, it was crystal clear and seriously refreshing on a hot summer day.
sirndipiti
Aug. 20th, 2005 09:59 pm (UTC)
hah! camping in unknown teritory is just the ultimate!!
I remember camping with a bud 'back in the days' when we woke up and found ourselves in a cow pasture and the fuckin' cows heading our way--fortunately we had slept close to his
VW and I guess the cows were smart enough to give us some free space--but it was a WY advendure that we'll remember for a long time -- aren't they the best ??
sirndipiti
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:01 pm (UTC)
and btw: they are definitely the coolest sandles :)
createdestiny
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:45 pm (UTC)
I'm blowing my orange whistle at you!
Those are NOT the coolest sandels! She should do time in jail for all the anxiety she caused me!
sirndipiti
Aug. 21st, 2005 01:41 am (UTC)
Re: I'm blowing my orange whistle at you!
anxiety is good for the constitution -- relax, enjoy it :)
createdestiny
Aug. 21st, 2005 04:09 am (UTC)
Re: I'm blowing my orange whistle at you!
That's like telling a diabetic to relax and eat a box of donuts.
eversearching
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:00 pm (UTC)
Do you have any idea how much reading this post makes me want to meet you and go camping with you?

That sounds like a damn hilarious time.
createdestiny
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:42 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I can always use more camp buddies (less work for me). Just kidding!
the_mongrel
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:23 pm (UTC)
wow great pictures & sounds like an awesome time!
thedeepgreensea
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:38 pm (UTC)
I think I'm insanely jealous of your camping trip.
createdestiny
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:42 pm (UTC)
Ohhhhhh, you should be!
thedeepgreensea
Aug. 20th, 2005 10:43 pm (UTC)
whatever, I'm going to Sarajevo for two weeks, so THERE.
createdestiny
Aug. 20th, 2005 11:32 pm (UTC)
Watch out for the Sarajevo Hissing Butt-Munch Beetle!
langatmig
Aug. 20th, 2005 11:33 pm (UTC)
OH my gosh that looks like it so much fun though!
I want to go! Look gorgeous :D
bug_311
Aug. 21st, 2005 05:38 am (UTC)
Dor! You seriously rock! I want to put my name on the list of people that want to camp with you...

Awesome sounding trip! I'm glad you had a good time. :)
createdestiny
Aug. 21st, 2005 11:57 am (UTC)
I thought you didn't like camping. My story has converted you? Sweeeeet!
ygolonac
Aug. 21st, 2005 08:34 am (UTC)
A custom magazine cover for you
There is the cool new Flickr thing that lets you make fake magazine covers. I made one for you.


CampingMag
ygolonac
Aug. 21st, 2005 08:35 am (UTC)
Re: A custom magazine cover for you
Oh yah, a link to the magazine making site:
http://flagrantdisregard.com/flickr/magazine.php
createdestiny
Aug. 21st, 2005 11:49 am (UTC)
Re: A custom magazine cover for you
Oh man! That's great! Thank you.
ygolonac
Aug. 21st, 2005 08:55 am (UTC)
This is kinda fun...

CatMag
lcurtis
Aug. 21st, 2005 12:03 pm (UTC)
Most of my most memorable camping trips can not be recalled at all; you are wise to have taken photos. :>D
nameleswanderer
Aug. 22nd, 2005 03:34 am (UTC)
I should have quit my job so I could have went on the trip, except for that neekid part.
dietcokehed
Aug. 22nd, 2005 04:05 am (UTC)
Nekky Grrls!!
I wanna go!! Although...the giant cockroach...I'll need another kinda roach to deal ;-)

You MUST take Bug an I the next time you go! Bug likes camping, she just doesn't like getting dirty when she doesn't expect to get dirty. You know, like when we release balloons in a muddy field :)

"Ew, living." That's great! :) By the way, you'll have to let me know of this wonderful secret spot (I won't tell anyone, promise!)
createdestiny
Aug. 22nd, 2005 09:01 pm (UTC)
Re: Nekky Grrls!!
I'd love to go camping with you and Bug!
bug_311
Aug. 22nd, 2005 11:17 pm (UTC)
Re: Nekky Grrls!!
Yeah, camping is alright. As long as I have a lot of stuff to distract me from the fact that I'm sleeping on the ground, and that I can't shower and do my hair, I'm good.

Give me beer and a good swimming hole and I'm happy. :)
ridiculicious
Aug. 22nd, 2005 02:39 pm (UTC)
I love those pictures. Love them. I miss camping. I will go in the fall though. When my dog can handle the heat, and I can handle the bugs.

Where was this by the way?
createdestiny
Aug. 22nd, 2005 05:50 pm (UTC)
It was in the Trinity Alps.
peregrin8
Aug. 22nd, 2005 02:40 pm (UTC)
those sandals could scarcely be more wrong if they had marabou trim.

I am glad you had fun and no ankles were broken!
createdestiny
Aug. 22nd, 2005 05:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks. We had a blast and suffered no serious injuries.
tourquoise
Aug. 25th, 2005 01:08 am (UTC)
So, did any bears come around? That skinny-dipping pic is fabulous!
createdestiny
Aug. 25th, 2005 03:00 am (UTC)
Nope. We didn't see any bears. At one point I thought I heard a bear growling but it was just Beth snoring.
( 34 comments — Leave a comment )