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So, I was whipping the dog up into a psychotic frenzy by pretending that I was attacking him with a light saber which was really an empty Christmas wrapping tube when the fucker bit my thigh! He may have even broken the skin. I would pull down my pants to inspect the wound but I don't want to be reminded of my thighs right now.

I stayed in and didn't do a damn thing for New Years Eve in hopes of averting the NYE curse that has plagued me my whole life. What is this NYE Curse I speak of? Allow me to provide you, gentle reader, with a few sample occurrences from NYEs past:

1988/89 - Arrived at a NYE party only to discover that my then boyfriend had been having a hot and heavy make-out session with some other chick.* His excuse? He'd had a crush on her since kindergarten whereas he'd only had a crush on me since the 10th grade.

1993/94 - Went out for a NYE night on the town with a guy I was dating and a couple I'd never met before. The guy I was with was an unbelievably shallow asshole** and due to some kind of lapse in judgment I kept going out with him (I couldn't stop wondering if I was being shallow for thinking he was an asshole....yeah I used to fuck my own mind, it was awful and nobody ever got off. That's what girls do in their twenties. We waste our perky tits on shit like this). Anyway at one point in the night my date's assholery peaked at which time I nervously said aloud, "That's Mike. He's my little asshole." And this chick from the other couple turns to me and says "What does that say about you?" I went silent and obsessed on her comment all evening while pretending to have fun.

2007/08 - Spent hundreds of dollars hosting my own NYE party only to have some black-hole of negativity douche bag ruin it by insulting our selection of alcoholic beverages, my friends and myself in front of everyone, in my own damn house! And I didn't even know this guy! He was a friend of a friend. I should have told him to get the fuck out but I couldn't stop second-guessing myself and wondering if I was overreacting or if this guy really was an asshole. I went silent and obsessed on his comments all evening while pretending to have fun.***

Okay, maybe that's only three examples, but I'm ultra-sensitive and hurty so it feels like I've lived through thirty-five humiliating NYE experiences.

*We may or may not have been technically on a break.

**This guy was also a premature ejaculator, for which he never apologized or acknowledged in any way. And guys, come on, I know I excite you beyond measure, but if you blow your wad that quickly every fucking time then you need to at least acknowledge it in some way and have a plan B. When you acknowledge it and you've got a plan B, all is forgiven and your ex won't reveal humiliating secrets about your sexual performance on her blog. Dig? (BTW I nearly died with glee when this guy's last name was used as a synonym for "vagina" on a recent episode of The Sarah Silverman Program. Thank you, Jesus! There is justice in the universe for girls who are sexually gypped.)

***Yes, I do see the pattern here. But isn't this a charming flaw? On Judgment Day don't you think Jesus will just tossle my hair and say, "Git yo' silly ass on up in my Kingdom, girl!" No? Then who am I eating all this humble pie for?!?!?

P.S. The Current Boyfriend has requested that I make it abundantly clear that he is NOT any of the boyfriends listed above.

Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
superhappytime
Jan. 2nd, 2009 06:06 am (UTC)
People who insult pork and steal my footnoting journal format a few days after insulting me deserve to be bitten by dogs in the house they share with their quick-to-the-trigger boyfriend!

createdestiny
Jan. 2nd, 2009 06:09 am (UTC)
You are hardly the inventor of the asterisk foot-notation method.
superhappytime
Jan. 2nd, 2009 06:14 am (UTC)
but I am certainly livejournal's most well-known user of it. copy cat.
createdestiny
Jan. 2nd, 2009 06:10 am (UTC)
My current boyfriend is not the quick-to-the-trigger boyfriend! Gah!


Edited at 2009-01-02 06:15 am (UTC)
superhappytime
Jan. 2nd, 2009 06:16 am (UTC)
hey...it's cool...it happens to everyone...a few years ago I was in Mexico and drinking too much and my girlfriend and I picked up another girl from the red light distract...it was a disaster. and at y'all's age, just be happy he's getting it up at all without the big blue pill.
createdestiny
Jan. 2nd, 2009 06:26 am (UTC)
My CURRENT boyfriend is booking a flight to Dallas to personally demonstrate to you how long he lasts. Lube up, 'cause he won't do it for you.
superhappytime
Jan. 2nd, 2009 06:32 am (UTC)
why would I need to lube up? he's gonna blow in his jeans before things even get started. at least that's how he was back in the 90s...according to someone's journal post.
welfy
Jan. 2nd, 2009 02:58 pm (UTC)
But how did THIS year's NYE go?

Mine was pretty good, even though 2 out of 3 people I was hanging out with got sick from drinking too much.

One NYE I got in a huge fight with my boyfriend and we refused to talk to each other the entire time we were at this friend's party. How embarrassing. I wasn't on LJ yet at the time but I was always posting on some message board so I'm sure all the drama of that day is on there somewhere in its archives. :^P
createdestiny
Jan. 2nd, 2009 03:20 pm (UTC)
This NYE was good because I just hung out on the couch, where it's safe.

welfy
Jan. 2nd, 2009 03:58 pm (UTC)
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=53286

OMG I FOUND IT.

Aren't you glad your experiences weren't posted on the internet for everyone to see? Hahahaha.
createdestiny
Jan. 3rd, 2009 01:02 am (UTC)
Getting dumped on NYE pretty much takes the cake. The only thing that trumps that is death or losing a limb.
nodressrehersal
Jan. 2nd, 2009 10:42 pm (UTC)
I think you're spot on with the Jesus thing. But I'm also thinking you've had more than enough humble pie, so have some grapes or something instead.
createdestiny
Jan. 3rd, 2009 12:58 am (UTC)
I think so, too. It's high time I had some ego-maniacal cake.
nodressrehersal
Jan. 3rd, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)
How about some bad-ass-paragus...
anodyne19148
Jan. 2nd, 2009 11:16 pm (UTC)
I spend the latter half of two New Years Eves in the ER over stupid accidents. Good times.
createdestiny
Jan. 3rd, 2009 12:59 am (UTC)
Whoa. That's no fun.
bug_311
Jan. 2nd, 2009 11:44 pm (UTC)
See? You shoulda came and hung out at my house. My house is a safe zone for overly sensitive people.*

We made Xander stay up so we could kiss him. Only to have blow snot blobs on our faces. Fun!**

I love you, btw.***


* Ok, that's not true, but we never insult guests.
** Being a parent is totally fucked up and weird.
*** Although I really do love you, I needed one more line so that I could use the asterisks in a more funny way. :P
createdestiny
Jan. 3rd, 2009 01:00 am (UTC)
Snot blobs are the new black.

*I love you too, girly!
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )